Eleven to meet in heaven
By Smitta Smitten
Pulse peer Tildaski axed me the oth-a day: "Smittski, how comes only E-Sir gets a memorial in Mombatha, yet there are so-oo many other artistes ambaye waliotuacha?"
The answer waz shown to me in a fishon wen I rocked Londiani over tha May Day holiday. The Smitta wants to share wit yu watt Mikhail, the Arch-Angel, showed me.
Wen yu die, as yu will sumday dear reader, yu will go to heaven. Or as Death Cab for cutie (thaz yu) puts it – "Luv of mine, someday yu will die, but I’ll be close behind, to give yu a ride into the dark …"
Our Father’s Mansion
Cheeesus promised us that ‘our Father’s house has many rooms.’ Thaz coz it’s a mansion (worth about $1m, or Sh80 000). I visited it in my dreams on May Day, and it is a white mansion! It also has a drive-way wit many neat cars – like Maybachs, Mercs, Lexi, Jaguars n Rolls-Royses. The cars are all souped up n serviced by Ash Afterlife Autos (speakin of which, I hope Liason and ICEA Ins, has lipad CEO for his moti ‘Snake-print’).
In the drive-way, in bikini n doin a car wash, the first person who will welcom you to heaven is ‘Lady S’ – sweet n luvly lass that she waz here.
At the Door
Kwa mlango ya mansion, the next ‘waliotuacha’ star that yu will find is Poxi Presha as the door valet – n he’ll be dressed in an immacoolayte white suit (or mebe he just wunt be able to resist the velvet), n Poxi will have wings, like an angel, but no harp.
Instead of a harp, he will have a nyatiti! And the song that welcumz yu into the Mansion will be "Otongolo Time, now it iss lunchtyme!" (In heaven, everyone gets there at lunch-tyme. This is coz wen yu die, yu gotta cross the river Styx in a death ferry – Matangawe – all nyte. Then St Peter processes yur visa tween 8am and 11am. Yuv already paid for the visa fees to heaven wit yur life! The cab – from Death Cab 4 Cutie Taxis – picks yu up outside the St Peter Embassy, n tis a one hour ride to the White Mansion …) Oh, n pliz give Poxi a tip, othawyse he’ll throw yu back into the street!
In the Mansion’s corridor, yu will find a very white faced Michael Jackson, doing the moon walk. At the top of his high n girlish voice, the dude will be warbling: "I’m good, I’m good … God knows it, I’m good. And the whole of heaven, gotta answer my call, as I ask yu once again, ‘Who was Bad?’"
From tha corridor, there’s a door that leads directly into a huge white kitchen, wit a marble floor n gold gilted sinks.
N all dat s*** yud luuuvvv to find in a jikoni.
Notorious Big G, or Biggie Smalls, or just Biggie lives there, in a big sit, bigger n blingier (coz heaven’s got a lotta gold, so no ‘activisti’ in heavun wud need ta go steal dat shizzle from the Congo).
If yu got yur b*tt on a rainbow n slid ta the end of it, yud find the pot of gold right at the end – in Biggie’s heavunlee mansion. Yud also find pots of nyake, pots of kuku, pots of uji n pots of busaa – coz Biggie Smalls likes snackin’ on all dat … n tits!! (How come Tupac ain’t in heaven? Coz Tupac ain’t dead, thaz why) …
The Sitting Room
E-Sir is the master of the White Mansion, n he’s chilling in the sitting room, monitoring thru some inter-galactical ecto-plasm (IGEP teknology) all the goings-on of tha Kenyan Celeb industry – n he’s esp proud of his bro Habib and Nameless!
Every hit wimbo that rocks our oinkski zizki industry has got the rays of E-Sir all o’er it – n I daresay diesel like Pulse organising memorials in his jina down @t tha Coast every Easter is tha reason we can boast of been the best showbiz mag in da region – since his demise (‘is Moose-seven-ee goan to heaven?’ I hear E-Sir sayin, ‘oh no, Ssebo!’).
The TV Room
From the easy sittin room in tha White Mansion, a nigga or dudette next goes to the TV room. It sorta set up like the one at Ash’s place, but wit a big big big plasma screen, the size of a sky.
Using the IGEP Tech I mentioned earlier, n wi-fi, this tee-wee is able to catch Super-Sport 3 on DStv N sittin on tha sofa are... Frakaz n Dry Gin.
Frakaz stl supports Man U, n imagines they are gonna win da double. But Dry Gin chekelead him last Sundae wen the ‘Devils’ lost one nil to Arsenal – his team!!
This Sundae, as Frakaz watches ‘the theatre of nyt-mares,’ Dry Gin will be supporting Chelski – while feastin on Chelsea Dry Gin (n awaiting the first coming of Chelsea Nzoola Gaga).
In a Jacuzzi in the bathroom, yu ll find tha boody of the brilliant Brenda Fassie. She no longer snorts shizzle up her nostrils, juzt takes it easy with bubbly (shampagne) in her bubble bath – n uses Rexona there like Wahu …
There’s only one thing that still pisses off Brenda like hell, yo. That ‘that Emmy Kosgey has been plagiarising my (her) sound traxx’, n miros in Kenya either don’t notice, or care. But then again ‘Kinya’ is the only country where s/one wil call Kalekye’s show n go – " This gal stole my money n lap-top o’er Easter. Shood I continue seeing her?" Duh! Or a TV presenter say, "Do yu think the prices of fuel in tha country are too high? Pliz SMS yur answer to blah blah blah." Go figure.
Presley, not Sir Elvis, is still in the moosik room of the ‘Graceland’ white mansion in heaven, dressed in tutu, a white velvet coat n blue suede shoes .. eatin burgers n creating ALL the HITS in heaven ( they sacked tha Angels’ Choir, coz after two millennia, they’d become mo monotonous than those mathe’s choirs dat been ‘entertayning’ our O’rezzos since Independence)!
In tha Bed-room…
Yu will find that sweet n luvly lad, Wiki Mosh, who gave us ‘Atoti’ round about the tyme ‘Unbwoggable’ ruled tha world – n he’s not swingin this way, that way.
He’s still straight as an arrow, as sed Jack Sparrow, n if anyone has sevente two virjoes, jo, guess who …
The Backyard Swimmo
Here, in a bathing suit, yu ll find the 4ever young Aaliyah, yuh, n she still lookin as luvly as ever.
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