Angels, devils n in betweeners

By Smitta Smitten

The Smitta had one of them strange weekend-skiz where you donno if you’re comin, goan, or falling just in-between the piano cracks of the planet. On furahi-day eve, on the invite of Mike n the resta dat Jijue crew, I made me way to the Mavuno Dome for the ‘Jars of Clay’ concert; leaving the genius Maddo at Alliance discoverin’ the origins of Benga with twerps like Papa Shimita.

Tha theme was Jijue as in know ya health status. Me, the only thing I ever do is update my FB status, so I wazn’t there on any status Quo – other dan to enjoy the rock band. ‘Jars of Clay’ were aiiight. But twas the whole savedie scene dat made me go like waaaarrrr!! Guys doing a mugithi train to rock?? (thaz not een deranged, tis derailed). And I knew I shoulda smuggled a ka-quarter into dat scene. Summa niggaz can have fun on fanta, sawa. I just ain’t one-a dem. Vodoski is me feet of clay. Bored outta me head, I sed bye to fellow paps my peeps Pip Ogolla, n the verr talented Mr. Kanji, n scattered widout een hearin’ me old hommie Eric Wainaina do his thang sang.

Sato after noon, I waz at anutha pubik free funkie (PFF) outside tha former Sunbeam called ‘Jipe Shughuli’ dat aims to stop Kenyans from running to burn in disaster tankers like Saskachwan (isn’t dat de name of a movie too?). MC Makokha cracked several dry jokes dat had the publik in stitches, DJ Israel waz a revelation wit his brilliant spin skills on the tune-tables n a wasted rasta man with a tired guitar called Were chucked one of the nicest songs I’ve ever heard since … ‘Haiya.’

Later, I had a drink at the Polo near terminus with funky Phreddy of Jipe Shughuli!

It’s a great inititaivem, lakini how dya juzz give yourself shughulis wen ur a jobless youth. Even me if I waz an idler and a petroleum tank overturned, I’d grab me a jerrican! Instead of folk telling us youth notta ‘rega rega’, we shd reply ‘Nipe Shughuli,’ to all those uhurus na kazi and kazi ziendelees. Otherwise, we’ll migrate n go help develop Kazkakistan.

At Hooters, layter on dat day, we watched Chelski enjoy a great victory over the villains of Villa (n while Manures would go zero zero at the San Siro with Mourinho, Drogba d layter on dat week stun Juvelin delinquents). Still, an over-confident CEO enjoyin’ his B-day wid our buddy Noah ‘Gus’ Mugaski dropped me home flats.

Twas the B-day of a luvly two year old Elaine hosted by her ole lady Joanne n dad Matthew, although me immediate neibaz David n the Iranians weren’t in attendace.

Nine ta midnite, twas a small but nice party, with lotsa Smirnoff n small talk.

Midnite, Sharonova called it a day, n wisely left – but me been Mr One More Drink like they say in dat T-Pain n Ludacris song, I stayed, n by 3am, the bash had degenerayted into a T-painful ludicrous court brawl. Oh well, it seems to have become a bit of a tradition for this particle court party. Pity we won’t be there 4 it nexx year coz I’m getting fed up of the antiks of one lady Shonde Ree, n wanna make the move north 4rm Wes’ ta Wesside in a coupla.

Sun eve, went for Jazz Rock at Nu-Metro junkie ta listen to ‘Murphy’s Flaw,’ dat verr talented all-lady except Number Tisa rocky band, n drank bad Schweppes wit Blue Moon vodo n skooms. Advice? Stick ta Smirnoff!

Nexx day was Angel’s funeral service at Holy Cathedral n I coont remember any of tha songs coz I was last in kanisa huko ‘lost in the nineties.’ In fact actor OJ Aenea (the Hyena) warned CEO notta sit nexta me, lest God misses wit the lightning n hits him instead. Comedians galore at the service, from the flopped acts (mnaji-yua) to the great success Churchill who was on a mission ter get us on his show … so he can roast us!

Angel is in heaven, n when my time comes I’m sure Old Nick has prepared a special place in Hell’s Bar for me, where tha gals are HOT (heh heh heh), the bar-man interesting n the vodoski forever free.

But it got me thinkin’ – everyone sez we’re all good n great n ‘in a better place’ after we iz gone, but if I waz St Peter, I wouldn’t say all our lady celebz are angels who shd automatically join Angel in heaven’s sanctum-sanctorium.

KTN TV Angels – Sweet Janet Mbugua, I’d give wings and let her straight in. Esther Arunga I’d re-direkt to Purga for a bit until she disowns her ‘Runga is a Goddess’ google-group. Lillian Muli I’d send to hell coz she so darn hot. More powder to Mulika Lill-ski.

Baby Gangsta waz heaven-headed, the Beauty … until she married dat genius Abbas wit his ‘Mo Fire’ song dat tells de devil to stoke the coal in the Inferno. So, for dem both, limbo.

Linda Muthama (doan a show wid my kuzo Grandmaster Masese at the Alliance Francaise Toosday eve) is a nice lass, but I’s sayin’ I’d not let her into heaven for her past dodgy associations wid de brilliant but quite mad Nyambane. By the way, did the Baks pardon him for prison, or is he still in those Kamiti pee-jays?

Wiwy waz havin a god-awful hair-day de odder day, n looked like a witch. Kwani salon ya ‘Mama Pee-pee’ ilifungwa? Yenyewe, Wiwy is a sweety n artsy too, so heaven 4 her. I shoulda said salon ya Hilda (Linnet Ouma) of ‘Wash n Set,’. Dat proggy is a little weird, so … to hell with Hilda n all her BS customers.

Cecilia Mwangi will go to heaven, 4 shore. But if the Big G is actually a Jigga, then a hell full of dettol awaits her. Otherwise, dat assistant dude of hers looks like a reincarnated jigger from a Hindustan slumdawg existence, heh.

Sheila Kwamboka will go to heaven because she obeyed that commandment to ‘love everyone’ – n she looooves both boys n gals. Lakini Laura wa Lubengo, for snubbin me while on a triple date at hooters da other Tuesday, can go eat nyam chom in hell. (Hey Hooters’ John n lady Caro, thanx for keeping me Tom Ford stunners safe the other day. Ali, wape Febski bonus).

Cynthia Kuto, although she worships pop IDOLS, will go to heaven coz she juzz so an angel. A tip to idolaters – if yu worship Baal, you get bad luck. If you pray to Gog, he gives you Mogog – which is a nasty run of the diarrhoea.

The Kapsabet Express will dash her way into heaven before St Pete even realises amepita. As for Janet Wanja, she’ll be given looong wings … n play sky volley-ball against tha devil.

Wilbroda will go to purgatory where she will drink free tea made from UTC milk and wild-bee honey.

Tattuu – They are three. Angie ‘Shinde,’ Angie ‘Rabbo’ n Debbie ‘Asili.’ It’s up to you to decide who goes heave, hell n Purgo. But I’ll tell ya this … wherever I end up, thaz where my home-boy Shaffie will be.

Ray C – She’s going down … with a bullet! Why? Ray C began by doing muzik videos, and has ended up doan porn DvDs. But if the lady waz lookin for co-actors for her next X-ray ted rubbski, the Q is would you or would you not apply? Look, Ray C, juzz cos we sed you got sexy bedroom eyes … dint mean we wanted to eye ya in the beddy-room. Vroooom.

Smitta Bonus:

North American publisher Fiona McCrae waz in town this week with her wonderful hubby John. Now, how does this info help you? It doesn’t. I’m just ‘campaigning’ for me next kitabu, with this as the canvass.

But remember, while Feb flies out like a love dove, March marches in like a lion!