True friend of the court can play to the gallery with style and substance

I want to apply, in this late hour, to be a friend of the Supreme Court, before it concludes sitting on Saturday. To be honest, I have no case to make, other than to flaunt the Latin term I picked this week, amicus curiae, on live national TV.

And who knows, perhaps if delivered in a pompous accent (although I’m mostly home-schooled), I could turn into an instant celeb.

But since I have to pretend to have an issue to articulate, I have settled on what’s the closest to my experience, and can still sound grand: The suspicious silence from the media on March 4 and its implications on the integrity of the elections. This is my submission to the court:

“I’m a scribe of sound mind, which is evident from the fact that I have not dyed my hair black; the shades of grey reflect my true and proper age.

As you must be aware, my lords and lady, a free Press is the mark of a functioning democracy. On or around March 4, my lords and lady, there was a complete shutdown on any negative stories on and about the conduct of the Independent Electoral and Boundaries Commission in all mainstream media.

My lords and lady, how this decision was reached and enforced by the top editors in this country bears all the hallmarks of a conspiracy.

As I shall demonstrate, my dear lords and lady, media houses ordinarily engage in cut-throat competition for news.

But on this big day, the biggest news day of the year, none was willing to touch any news that questioned the integrity of the elections.

Information

I find this self-censorship a contravention of the law as the public, who consume the news, were not alerted about this conspiracy of silence, so serious breaches of the freedom of information occurred.

As to how that adversely affected the outcome of the elections, please don’t ask me. I hadn’t thought of it, and I won’t start now.

The other reason I want to be allowed to be amicus curiae is to help you predict behaviour of your counsel, and save precious court time.

My lords and lady, our work as scribes entails serious societal surveillance.

So it was pretty ambitious of the court to have asked ten argumentative lawyers to agree on what they consider to be contentious issues and what’s not contested in their petitions.

Now, that’s somewhat laughable, if you will allow a little laugh in your honourable court. I suspect you have not heard the term, kinyang’anyiro.

 It does sound like the coil of a rope tightening into a knot as different parties pull apart.

That’s what lawyers do in court. They cannot, therefore, by any stretch of the imagination, agree on anything.

kinyang’anyiro

This is a principle mostly reflected in the life that we live as Kenyans. Since you are mostly chauffeured, and expect the citizens to “know you,” I propose you try securing a parking slot in the city.

There will be a veritable kinyang’anyiro because a city cab driver will block your way to save the slot for his pal, then make motions with his hands to indicate you jump over him.

If allowed to serve as friend of the court, I hope to bring substance to an arena saturated with style.

 I hope these are weighty grounds to grant my prayer. The public interest cannot be fully expressed without the social perspectives.

 

Reading between the lines to weed out diplomatic gibberish

This is an abridged version of the statement that the US embassy in Nairobi sent to US citizens in Kenya.

“This is to inform US citizens in Kenya that the Kenyan Supreme Court is expected to rule on the petitions challenging the presidential election result by March 30,” said the online statement.

 “There could be a strong public reaction to the announcement; therefore, the embassy strongly urges all US citizens to avoid gatherings, demonstrations, downtown business areas, slums, and large crowds.

“Remember even gatherings intended to be peaceful can turn violent with little or no warning… We encourage you to read the Emergency Preparedness Section of the embassy website…”

Now let’s decode the diplomatic gibberish. This is what the statement actually means:

“Folks, we really don’t know we are saying this, but this is a quick reminder you are still in Africa. The roads may be paved and natives speak very good English, but remember most are immersed in superstition, and so likely to be moved by emotion, rather than reason. The idea of violence as “spontaneous” is euphemism for innate barbarism among the locals.

Remember even the educated retain deep loyalty to their tribes. This explains their illogical response to our recent warning that “choices have consequences.” They saw that as a threat to their tribes, and will do anything to protect their sanctity. Don’t say we didn’t warn you, and don’t be surprised if this note is seen as meddling, even inciting. This is Africa, my friends. Don’t ever forget that.”

Big Brother is watching, and seeks permission to keep on

Early this month, or perhaps late last month – see, that’s the sense of disorientation that elections have had on us collectively – I received a call from some unknown number, but I did not find that surprising.

Business promotions routinely target phone users and often leave messages in languages that I cannot decipher.

This recent call, as it turned out, was a business promotion delivered in crisp clear English, albeit from a very unlikely seller. This is a paraphrase:

“This is a call from the Federal Bureau of Investigation,” the message declared. It’s not every day that one receives calls from the Feds, so I sat to rapt attention.

“Up to 60 per cent (or was it 50 per cent, no, that’s the threshold of our presidential polls) of crime in the United States is solved through recordings from surveillance devices in strategic places.

Surveillance

If you would like to have a surveillance device installed in your compound for free, dial 1. If you would like to get more information, dial 2, if you are not interested dial…”

I can’t remember the digit that I dialled, but I remember the phone went off. The idea of Big Brother declaring his intention to spy was too great a revelation.