Njoki Kaigai

Guys, stay away from houses you do not pay rent!

Last week, I came across a wise saying in one of my Whatsapp Groups. “Never ever remove your trouser in house that you do not know how the rent is paid” attributed to W.E.Edman, 2018. We can make a few assumptions regarding Edman’s advice. First, that he is directing it to men despite the fact that women also wear trousers. Second, he makes the safe assumption that most men remove trousers to perform certain bodily functions – some which provide relief and others pleasure.

Third, and most importantly he says men who want to disrobe must focus on the how part of the rent payment not the who part of the payment.

Fourth, this advice is directed to men who visit residential houses often belonging to women - visits to other houses do not count.

Edman must have conducted a lot of research and arrived to the obvious conclusion that many men like freebies - especially this part of the world. They will put their lift at risk and head to women’s houses without a second thought about how the rent of the house they are waltzing into is paid. So today, I wish to provide a few guidelines on how men should behave once they figure out how the rent is paid.

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1.  Her family pays the rent

There are some instances where lady luck favours women and they end up receiving some property from their parents. Such gifts save lots of money for the recipients and also for their future partners. However, such gifts also take away some sheen off the man’s pride. This is because the entire family will often see and treat the said man as a freeloader- never mind the size of his wallet or income.  The best thing for men to do is to to decline any offers to have her family pay the rent or pay for the house. However, if the man has no choice but to accept the situation, then he must behave like a meek cat because the entire family will be watching and judging him for any small or big misdeeds. This situation should be avoided if possible.

2. She pays the rent

In some cases, the woman of the house might be compelled to pay the rent. Compelling factors might include the fact she earns more money than the man or the man is deadbeat and irresponsible. When such a situation arises, the man must realise that all power and rights to dominate are immediately transferred to the woman. Simply put, once a woman pays rent she owns your backside. Once again, such a situation demands the man displays utmost humility and good behaviour.

He must dedicate his life to making the rent payer happy by finding out what she needs and ensuring she never lacks of it. If it is good food she wants, and then you better be slaving in the kitchen. If it is good sex she wants, make yourself the best love machine ever, and if it is a carer she needs for her children, you better polish your baby nursing skills. It is also important that any man in this situation avoids any behaviour that might cause the rent-payer to get angry and kick him out. Such behaviours include staying out too late with the boys and bedding the nanny. Men in this situation must know that they are always a heartbeat away from eviction

3. Another man pays the rent

This is a situation where one man feels the need to reap where another has sowed. Any visit to a house which is being paid for by another man is tantamount to declaration of war and a death wish.  Many men find themselves in this situation because they are enamoured by the goodies the woman has to offer that they forget to display any modicum of pride. The women could usually tolerate these men who lack any form of pride perhaps because they provide a useful service for them. In some circles, such men are seen as foolish wimps; in others they are seen as cunning opportunists.

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For the man who pays the rent, such men are just enemies who should are preying on their goodies at their cost.  Men in this situation have to recognise that every visit to the said house is a flirtation with death.

There are simple ways to avoid all these situations. First, the men must make all attempts to establish who really pays the rent (do not believe what the lady of the house tells you). Second, give some financial consideration to the house and for its upkeep- that way you can have some form of influence on decisions. Third, stay away from houses you do not pay rent for – hotels are a dime a dozen in this country.

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