Debunking myths around single motherhood

Debunking myths around single motherhood (Photo: iStock) When 33-year-old Sandra Muthoni posted a photo of her son's graduation on Facebook, the first comment was not "Congratulations!" but "Where's the father?" She didn't flinch. "I've gotten so used to that question that I now smile and ask; do they ask the same when a dad posts his child's photo?" she says. "It's as if people expect me to apologise for doing it alone." Sandra, a communications executive and mother of one, is part of a growing number of women who are raising children alone. Some left toxic marriages, some were widowed, some faced unplanned pregnancies and some, like Sandra, made the conscious choice to become solo mothers. What unites them is not victimhood, but resilience and an evolving narrative around what constitutes a 'complete' family. "As long as there's love, we are enough," Sandra says. Social media hasn't made this any easier and according to Sandra, the culture of podcasting nowadays also thrives on blaming single mothers for most of society's problems. "You hear things like, 'single mothers raise criminals who end up in jail', 'single mothers are promiscuous and irresponsible', or 'no man should ever marry a woman with a child'. It's always shaming," says Sandra. This public rhetoric is inaccurate and harmful. While a 2002 U.S. Department of Justice survey indicated that a significant proportion of prison inmates had grown up in single-parent households (56 per cent), specifically mother-only households (around 39 per cent), more recent research consistently reinforces the fact that the majority of incarcerated individuals do not come from such backgrounds. This shows that single parenthood itself is not a definitive predictor of incarceration, but rather one factor in a complex mix of socioeconomic disadvantages and systemic issues. Dr Violet Kiara, a clinical psychologist and family therapist, says that such generalisations are based more on fear than fact. "The idea that children raised by single mothers are doomed is simply false. What truly matters are emotional availability, presence and a safe environment, and many single mothers provide exactly that," she says. Dr Kiara goes on to explain that the notion that children of single mothers end up in prison or broken is a lazy stereotype that ignores layers like poverty, trauma, abuse and systemic inequality. Take the story of Barack Obama, for instance. Long before he became the 44th president of the United States, he was just a boy raised by his young, single mother in Hawaii. His mother, Stanley Ann Dunham, was just 25 when she found herself raising her biracial son alone following her divorce. With quiet strength and an unwavering belief in his potential, she instilled in him the values of empathy, hard work and education. It was her guidance, rather than the presence or absence of a father figure, that shaped him into the leader who would one day captivate the world with hope. Obama's life is a powerful counter-narrative to the misguided idea that children of single mothers are destined to fail. He is proof that what matters most is not the presence of both parents, but the presence of love, vision and stability. Ben Carson was also raised by a single mother. Growing up in the slums, his mother, Sonya Carson, had only a third-grade education, yet she held a firm belief in the power of learning. She worked multiple jobs, kept her sons off the streets, and insisted they read books instead of watching TV. That discipline shaped Carson into one of the world's leading neurosurgeons. His story, like Obama's, challenges the tired stereotype that children of single mothers are doomed. The burden of 'doing it right' Anne Nyokabi, 40, been raising her daughter alone since her ex-husband walked out when the baby was six months old: "At first, I was ashamed. Like I had failed. But over time, I realised I wasn't a failure. I was just a woman who was forced to survive." Anne admits the pressure to raise a 'model child' is intense. "It's like the world is waiting for you to mess up. If my daughter acts out, it's blamed on her not having a father. If she's successful, no one credits my parenting; they call her lucky." Dr Kiara calls this "the perfection tax" that single mothers pay. "There's an emotional toll many single mothers carry, needing to be both nurturer and provider, while constantly justifying that they're doing enough." She adds that the best gift society can give single mothers is to drop the judgment and suspicion and offer actual support. Be it structural, like childcare options or better maternity leave policies, or simply emotional affirmation. Society has historically viewed motherhood through a marital lens; a good woman is a wife first, then a mother. But that narrative is shifting. Slowly. "I didn't fail at marriage," says Caro, 36, who got pregnant in her final year of university and decided not to marry the child's father. "I succeeded in motherhood and that should be enough." Her son, now 12, is an articulate, confident boy who wants to be a veterinarian. "He's never lacked love," she says. "And when he asks where his dad is, I tell him the truth, some people are meant to love from afar." She pauses, "I just wish the world wouldn't treat us like we're a broken version of a family. We're just different." Dr Kiara says children of single mothers can grow into deeply secure individuals. "Often, these children develop emotional intelligence, responsibility and a strong sense of empathy. They watch their mothers work hard, love hard and make sacrifices, and that shapes them." She warns against framing single motherhood as a deficit. "It's time to stop asking 'Where is the father?' and start asking 'How is the child?' That shift in perspective could change everything." "Single motherhood is not a tragedy. It's a path. And like all paths, it deserves respect."

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