Deselfing: The angry dance of intimacy

The angry dance of intimacy (Photo: iStock)

Everyone knows someone or has been that someone who once they get into a relationship or marriage, they completely changed. They changed everything from the way they dress, to their friends, to their core values, to where they hang out, and even the activities they do for fun. This is known as deselfing.

Deselfing, is a term that was first coined by Clinical Psychologist Harriet Lerner in her book The Dance of Anger, and has over time developed to refer to the process of giving up core values or important parts of ourselves in order to please someone else or to develop or maintain a relationship. The process of deselfing is in no way a new phenomenon, and although it can occur in both men women or men, it is more commonly evident in women. The process of deselfing can be influenced by a variety of factors, for example if the person you are with is from a higher social status and you fill you need to fit into their lives, or it can be influenced by culture.