Harold spills beans on his split with Sue

Yours truly, who is also the Oracle of Gitegi (The OG), can tell what has been disturbing your mind for the past many months. You have been wondering why Harold ditched Sue, haven’t you?

Sue has been acting victim. The arrival of Clarissa and her son Paul towards the end of the year 2021 further bolstered Sue’s case. “Don’t you all see,” she shouted from the tops of all hillocks in Gitegi, “that the reason I gave up on him is he cannot be trusted and will bring anything home?”

Anything indeed. Clarissa is the most beautiful woman the village has seen since, wait for it, Sue. But Sue’s fallout with Harold began long ago, way before Clarissa had even considered coming to the village to look for her once charming prince, who is now an addict to alcohol and endless lies.

As the General Election draw near, I have had to look for the best advice for my uncle, who needs every bit of arsenal to battle Sue. Sue’s influence has been rising now that she has been offering drunkards beer for free at her Believers Entertainment and Enlightenment Retreat (BEER) church. Harold often attends services there.

Do not forget that my camp is trying to see if I can be the third horse. But with drama unfolding at an unprecedented rate between the top two candidates, I have held back until probably after the Easter holidays.

I told Harold he should spill the beans on why he divorced Sue, at least politically. But Harold was hesitant, claiming he would face sanctions from his estranged ex-girlfriend, who is also my ex-aunt. You will remember that Harold’s cassock remains in Sue’s possession as he continues to drink on credit.

Over breakfast last Monday, as we waited for Magoha to shock our 2021 KCPE candidates, Harold and I held a high stakes meeting in the kitchen. I instructed him to go out in public and in his strongholds to explain why he had ditched Sue.

“You forgot just this Valentine’s Day we met in her house? Sue wanted us to fight!” I said and saw a scowl form on his face as he recalled me stumbling into him at Sue’s.

“You can tell the people Sue wanted to overthrow the government, maybe through me, and that was the reason you had to move on. You have the evidence, don’t you?”

Harold was unconvinced that would sway the voters. Wasn’t it him, he wondered aloud, who had replaced Sue with Clarissa, albeit months later? Who was going to believe our narrative?

I called in Kinuthia to support me and, being a man who barely has an opinion, Kinuthia helped me convince Harold my line was going to sell.

And so Harold announced there was going to be a mega spilling of beans at Harold’s Assemblies of Holy Associates (HAHA) tabernacle yesterday. The villagers came in their numbers.

I was not shocked to see some of Sue’s best friends and counterparts saunter in. Harold himself could easily be counted among them.

Alongside the grand pronunciation, parents were coming to show gratitude for their children’s largely underwhelming performance. Women came in their numbers, carrying bags of farm produce.

After a short sermon, the usual master of ceremony, yours truly, called the meeting to order and announced that Harold was going to spill the beans on why he broke ties with Sue.

But Harold quickly whispered into my ear it was best for us to first collect the offertory lest the women got dismayed at what he was about to say and left with what they had brought him.

It was at this instance that Harold, when receiving a bag, saw Sue herself enter the church and, in alarm, dropped the bag, spilling beans all over the altar.

It was enough; I dismissed the meeting. We had all seen Sue’s disrespect, storming into Harold’s affairs without warning, and there it is, the truth about their split.