Expert’s take: The ‘no yelling’ approach to instilling discipline

Some afternoons seem like non-stop screaming matches with your children. You feel like a constant nag and a two-minute task turns into an arduous experience. Does your shouting help matters at all? No, says the experts. In fact, it only aggravates the situation. It activates a child’s emotional “fight or flight” response while shutting down his logical thinking. Your child will therefore not learn the reason his behaviour is inappropriate. So what can you do to effectively discipline them? Roselyn Kigen, a life coach and founder of Intentional Parenting for Better Life shares a few tips to how to best approach discipline.

1. Create a closer relationship

When you have a good relationship with someone, you do not want to let them down. It works the same with children and their parents. Your children won’t want to let you down as their parent so they will listen to what you are saying and follow what you are doing. This relationship has to begin when they are very young and cultivated as they grow older.

2. Discuss negative consequences beforehand

Explain the negative consequences for breaking the rules to your child ahead of time. Use time-out, take away privileges, or use logical consequences to help your child learn from his or her mistakes. For example, say, “If you don’t do your chores before dinner, there will be no TV for the night.” Then, it’s up to your child to make good choices and you’ll be less likely to yell at them about doing their chores. It again cycles back to your relationship with the child. If your child is an introvert, denying them time to go out and play with their friends might not be as effective. Customise your punishment to your child’s personality.

3. Provide positive reinforcement

Where negative reinforcement is futile, motivate your child to follow the rules by using positive reinforcement. If there are negative consequences for breaking the rules, there should also be positive consequences for following the rules. Praise your child for following the rules. Say something like: “Thank you for doing your chores right when you got home today. I appreciate that.” Plenty of positive attention helps reduce attention-seeking behaviour. So set aside a little one-on-one time each day to motivate your child to keep up the good work. For specific behaviour problems like cleaning up after themselves, create a reward system. A great example is sticker charts especially for younger children and token economy systems for older children. Reward systems can help turn around behavioural problems fast.

4. Take a time out

Physically leaving the room and then having a strategy to compose oneself, whether it involves squeezing a stress ball or sending in your spouse to deal with it, helps.

Biblically, it is known that if you spare the rod, you spoil the child. However it is always important to know if you are spanking your child out of anger or disciplining the child. You need to know where to draw the line and not become abusive. Sometimes you have come from work tired, your boss had been on your case all day, you got caught up in traffic and you’re already annoyed only to reach home and find your child has broken a glass. So how do you separate yourself from your personal issues and the disciplining? Just take a few minutes of time out before you do anything, it really helps practice better self-control.

5. Give them a warning

Use an ’if...then’ warning to tell your child what the consequence will be if they doesn’t listen. Say something like: “If you don’t finish your food right now, there won’t be any cake for you tomorrow.” Yelling often leads to a power struggle. The more you yell at a child to do something, the more defiant they might become. A clear warning, that you plan to enforce, shows your child that you’re serious about being in charge. Warnings also lets them prepare mentally for a transition. It works like a heads-up. Perhaps they’re not responding to your repeated pyjamas directive because they’re engrossed in a cartoon. Tell them: “So it’s time to go to bed. Do you need five more minutes? Five more minutes, but then time’s up.” And they will listen.