Marriage advice from divorce lawyers

With 68 years of experience between them, three lawyers share their observations on the institution of marriage, and tips on how to ensure a lasting marriage. BY PETER MUIRURI

Judy Thongori

Expertise: Family law which involves consultation, mediatory services and court cases.

Experience: 30 years

Opposites attract but are they best for marriage?

A key underlying issue that leads to divorce is that spouses have different personalities. It is said that opposites attract but that is only a positive attribute when the opposite personalities are complementary. For example, one mate likes to talk while the other is a good listener. Or one person looks at the finer details while the other sees the big picture. If the personalities are opposite but not complementary, the marriage is likely to suffer great stress.

Lack of common values a red flag

Another issue that leads to divorce is lack of basic common values. Perhaps one partner would like to have children while the other prefers not to. A spouse favours accumulating wealth while the other lives for the moment. Another partner has a strong spiritual side and the other is as cynical as one can get. What about the person who values career growth and even continues to study in marriage while the other thinks that career and further studies undermine the family?

Don’t ignore red flags during courtship

I have observed that people usually seek divorce for things that were present even during courtship. Some are excessive drinking, a tight fist, anger, violence, dishonesty, flirting, insecurity and unhealthy familial relationships. During courtship, couples ignore these traits in the hope that the other person will change over time.

Sadly, all these differences manifest themselves in such marital disunity and infidelity. Then cruelty and neglect result. The marriage had become such a candidate for divorce ages before such physical manifestations of discord.

Divorce common among 35-45 age bracket

Whereas no age group is spared from divorce including the very old and very young, I have witnessed that the trend is stronger among those in the 35-45 age bracket. In my experience, women express marital disharmony sooner and seek solutions. In many situations of marital breakdown, men move on and even start other families while women, by virtue of cultural expectations, are likely to be left with the children and do not move on so easily, thus the need to formally end the relationship.

Establish boundaries between your family and extended families

While healthy parental support is important and should be encouraged, there must be physical, emotional and financial boundaries. Spouses are very sensitive to in-laws. A young mother takes it very seriously when a mother-in-law critiques her child care techniques, home setup or cooking. Parents must remember that they too were not possessed of experience when newly married and need to allow the young couple to develop their own experience with gentle guidance.

Fortunately, I have seen couples reconcile even at this late hour mostly through counseling and mediation. In fact, many who seek legal services express a need for divorce because it is a term that comes easily that comes to the tongue when there is marital disharmony.

James Mangerere

Expertise: Mediation. He is the President of the Mediation Training Institute International in East Africa.

Experience: 18 years

More divorce cases from women

In my estimation poor communication skills, financial issues and unfaithfulness are the leading causes of divorce among Kenyan couples. These issues cut across all ages but are more prevalent in the young generation. In addition, I have handled more divorce cases filed by ladies.

Dating red flags

In my experience over the last 20 years, I would say lack of openness about finances and alcoholism are sure bets to looming trouble in the future. Openness between a couple will lead to less problems down the line.

Sometimes all it takes is time and mediation

When a client has expressed doubts about going on with the case, I give them time to decide. In one instance, together with my colleagues, I helped the parties who were heading for divorce come up with a parental responsibility agreement because their main issue was finances (apportioning responsibility) and alcoholism. They are presently living together and though they still have challenges, I believe they are doing their best to resolve them amicably. Further since I am a mediation expert , I usually advise and or teach the parties communication skills , negotiation skills and emotional intelligence. I also offer to mediate or refer them to a qualified professional mediator and issues are more often than not settled.

Before deciding on divorce, try mediation it may just work out

When warring parties subject themselves freely to mediation, things change. The problem that we have is that most couples are conflict incompetent i.e. they respond to conflict destructively and the result is that a simple conflict gets worse. My advice to all couples is that conflicts within couple should not find their way to court . Courts deal with rights, mediation deals with interests of both the parents and the children. The better option is mediation.

Rose Mbanya

Expertise: Family law and mediation

Experience: 20 years

Squash disagreements immediately

Misunderstandings that are not promptly and effectively dealt with fester and reach levels that are hard to resolve, especially if they involve finances and infidelity. Anger mismanagement, not making time to grow the marriage, alcohol or drug abuse will surely lead a family down the divorce route.

Cross the seven-year mark, and you may be just fine

From my general observations, the seven year mark in marriage seems to be a troubled one. Perhaps it is because the ‘honey moon’ phase is over and the children have come in with their demands among other issues. Those who cross this mark seem to be okay. The other troubled phase is at twenty one years as couples feel discontent because they have ‘done their time’ and they don’t feel it has been worth it.

Meddling in-laws and money issues plague younger couples

Red flags to divorce manifest themselves differently in various age groups. For example, younger couples will mainly complain about interference from in laws and money issues. They expect better and more intimate moments, the small things that characterised the dating phase of the relationship. Older couples will fight about property, finances with each wanting more power in the family. Then there is adultery with matters coming to head when one party ‘discovers’ another family.

Women initiate divorce more often

Women initiate dissolution more often than men while men get surprised to receive divorce petitions or demand letters. Though not the norm in every case, men deal with discontent in their marriages by getting other partners outside the marriage and leave the first relationship to take its course or die a natural death. Women will vent at home or the church and then initiate the process of freeing themselves from the ‘shackles of marriage’

Parents should leave children to solve their own marital disputes

Parent are necessary in guiding young couples in family life. However, in troubled times, it is important for parents to allow the young couple come up with their own methods of effectively dealing with their disputes. However, I have seen parents accompany their ‘children’ to the divorce lawyer to make the case for their child.

All family law experts will tell you that before filing for divorce, couples should attempt alternative dispute resolution mechanisms. Such mediation should be done in good faith or with a view of reaching acceptable and less acrimonious divorce processes. And yes, some mediation processes have resulted in couples reconciling. Most will observe that they have been ‘heard’ finally, or that they can now see the other party’s point of view. However, some may not reconcile in terms of getting their marriage back on track but may agree to putting in place measures that reduce the acrimony such as making agreements on money and property matters, and sharing parental responsibilities.