TONY MOCHAMA ‘moderates’ today’s much awaited presidential debate in his inimitable style and asks the tough questions no TV presenter would dare voice
It has been a long time coming, since John Sibi-Okumu sat down with President Daniel arap Moi and they had a nice little chat about the hopeless ‘Obbozishen’.
Indeed we have come from the analogue of monologue to the digital of debate and benched the old, tried and tested mode of hurling insults (and stones) at each other before cheering mobs. So finally, tonight, it is here: Kenya’s first presidential debate.
It, however, promises to be a bore because the nicely suited TV moderators will not ask the juicy stuff. Asking a presidential hopeful to elaborate their plans for the economy, for instance, is silly since, as we all know, they don’t have one.
So here we go:
The Prime Minister would probably love to be asked about his million-job creation plan, and the ‘child nutrition’ plan (which he no doubt plagiarised from Anna Hathaway during the World Economic Forum that he attended in Davos, Switzerland, a fortnight back).
But crazy Kenyans, would really like to know where the Premier gets all those crazy vitendawilis from, why he has not compiled them into a set book for insha in secondary schools, and why he dyes his hair.
They would also like to ask why he battled so viciously with the late Wamalwa for the leadership of Ford Kenya, only to turn up at his funeral in skins, wielding crude weapons and weeping like a baby.
And how would he feel about Ferdinand Waititu arriving with a rowdy mob, in a mushaino suit, to take over his (the Premier’s) office, as Nairobi Governor, Embakasi style?
More burning is, was his postgraduate thesis really about making nail bombs as alleged by the late snake rattler per excellence, John Michuki? And what are his private and personal views about his running mate’s hair and what would he do to William Ruto if he caught him in a dark alley?
Lest we forget, does he have a full size picture of US President Barack Obama pasted on his bedroom wall and are they really cousins?
Finally, has ever thought about flinging his blackberry at the referee when a wrong call is made against Gor Mahia during a tense encounter with AFC Leopards?
The Senior Counsel would love viewers and callers-in to ask about how he intends to implement the Constitution and his views on the death penalty.
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But crazy Kenyans might want to know what really was in that dossier that Mungiki leader Maina Njenja (Muite was his lawyer) had threatened to unleash to embarrass certain people in Government. Paul please...
Some mischievous Kenyans may even want to know why, now that Gaddafi is dead and Pattni is still alive, our Paul (Muite) didn’t ask Pattni to be his running mate (to foot the bills, silly!).
The son of Substone will want Kenyans to ask him his plan about ‘prioritising prosperity’, never mind that most Kenyans assume our ‘leaders’ principally get into politics to prioritise their prosperity.
Crazy Kenyans will instead want to know if Wycliffe anajua (knows) MaDvD, the character in some TV comedy programme called Machachari. They may also want to know how his three months as Kenya’s Vice-President back in the ‘summer’ of 2002 were. And has he ever, secretly in the dead-of-night, visited the new VP’s mansion in Karen and lamented ‘Why, oh why, was it not there back in my vice-presidential hay-day!’
And if he became president (please don’t wet this nice magazine with tears of mirth), would there be a State House chicken to be ‘pardoned’ on Xmas? That’s what they do in the US. It would set an annual tradition to demonstrate his courage in risking Luhya ire at this act of clemency involving a chicken (now, why does that last bit sound like a ritual)?
Joseph ole Kiyiapi
He is snappy with his lectures on the wonders he would do to the education and environment sectors.
But what crazy Kenyans would really like to know from ole Kiyiapi is what goes through his mind when Angie Ambitho swears his support among voters hovers at about the one per cent when he believes it is more than 51 plus one per cent.
Personally, I’d like to ask ole Kiyapi why my Alma matter, Nyakeminchia, is no longer in the bottom ten of schools in Kenya.
The son of Jomo has told youth about the ‘grants’ his government will give to young entrepreneurs to develop business among many things. But crazy Kenyans will want to know what’s to stop these ‘entrepreneurs’ from buying bhang and beer.
Others will want to know if he has invested in a witchdoctor’s talisman to ward off the dark forces (devils) that tried to trick him during that MaDVD saga, and if the white man’s ghosts still roam all over State House at night like his daddy, old Jomo, used to claim.
But knowing Kenyans, one could even bring up the question of why he strongly opposed Amsterdam’s ban on miraa and how saddened he was when he learnt that the people of Naivasha had given Mututho the boot during the recent political party nominations.
The man from my old high school may want to brag about ‘the best development record as an MP in Kenya’ and bring up that old Starehe chestnut about ‘washing the cup cleaner than any other cup in the world’.
But what crazy Kenyans with conspiratorial overtones will want to know from PK (sounds like chewing gum) is whether, in private, he mused that he could have done a better job at the Planning ministry than his unambitious boss Wycliffe Oparanya who only wants to be a mere governor.
As for the young (and not so young) lasses, all they’ll wish to know is ‘whatever happened to that young hunk, Andy Kenneth’ and can they please send their nomination papers for the vacant position of daughter-in-law.
She will want to discourse on how she will fight corruption in Kenya, our ‘number one public enemy’ and remind us how she is one of a select few to walk out on a plummy ministerial job in Kenya and openly declare her wealth (Sh56 million only).
Crazy Kenyans, though, will want to know how she would deal with a ka pesky opposition MP, say Mike Sonko, daring to walk out of President Karua at Nyayo Stadium on a national day, sagging his trousers and flinging a ‘bling’ on the ground as he puffs off in a huff.
They’d also love to know what she and Murgor were arguing about when Murgor’s coat got torn back in the day when she was younger. As a gesture of national reconciliation, would she let him design a new ‘coat of arms’ for Kenya? And are those 20-plus top lawyers who defended her in court the reason her wealth is worth only Sh56M?
Mohammed Abduba Dida
“I’m an agent of change” is how Dida describes himself.
But crazy and suspicious Kenyans would pounce on this with “ati you are an agent of who?” Others would just leave out the whole ‘agent agenda’ and go with “ati you are who?”
Sadly, Kingwa Kamencu, her of the underwear-free campaign fame, bowed out of the race. Male crazy Kenyans were dying to her ask the pertinent question: Are you commando or not, Madam President?