A criminal nation

By John Gerezani

I love honest chaps especially those who believe that the names they carry have a direct bearing on their lifestyles or status in society. Not long ago, I got lots of your mail asking me not to consider my ‘G’ surname a curse or even ever blame my dear mama for putting it on my birth certificate. Thanks folks, I now wear it with honour.

I told you in one of my very first pieces that man is predestined to criminal escapades and it’s only the degree that differs from one to another. Remember that celeb who starred in the musical "Mo-faya". Even before the curtains came down, a scandal had erupted that indeed there was more to the play than the name. Lusty leg lifts were happening amongst a lead actor and actress.

I have consciously picked on these episodes to make you intrinsically evaluate yourself because you are not a saint. You might never have entered neti but as we go through sections of the penal code, you will be able to have a reality check and decide on how to make your country a safer and better place. Let’s subject everyone to the crime audit now.

University students harass motorists during a demonstration. Such acts are illegal and may attract legal action. {PHOTO: FILE/STANDARD}

Let’s start with jamaaz. I know you have or are currently staying with a bird, the come-we-stay and shag type, lying through your teeth that you will take her to the altar at an opportune moment. Well, the Penal Code regards you as a nookie conman who should be serving a 10-year stretch in neti. You are a shameless fraudster.

Terminator-in chief

And now to the fair ladies. I know that Pravin pitched for you the other day for your right to do whatever you deem appropriate with some pesky lumps that make your tummies bulge. It just proves how poor you are in strategic planning. Why let it in in the first place if you are not sure whether you are ready to go full term or not. And have you realised that you dread pregnancy more than HIV/Aids?

Anyway, for your effort at being terminator-in chief, Sec 158 of the Penal Code decrees that you occupy Judy’s former bed in Lang’ata for 14 years.

As for those busybodies at certain briefcase NGOs who sex-up (pun intended) cases in the hope of extorting big money from alleged paedophiles, they are best advised to read the relevant sections of the Sexual Offences Act which state that should it be proved that the case is made up, then they are bound to serve exactly the same sentence that their intended quarry could have served had he been found guilty.

Let’s check our Sec 181 of the Penal Code, which provides a very lenient sentence for those trafficking in porn. The Sexual Offences Act enhances the sentence in the event that the victim is under 18. Should it be enforced to the letter, most breakfast shows on FM stations as well as ISPs would be run out of town. Hey, why don’t you delete those x-rated stills and videos from your cell-phone before the moral police come calling.

Dishonourable acts

And then to my man, Stevens Muendo with his juicy gossip in the Monday Standard. First netizens are urging him to publish those exclusive snapshots of executive kerb-crawlers on K-street. I am told waheshimiwa and a televangelist are on celluloid. Sec 154 of the Penal Code states that such dishonourable acts should earn one two years in here.

To KU students who think that it’s kosher to burn their multi-million shilling property whenever Olive brings compe, they should no longer call themselves scholars. They are criminals who deserve to be docked under Sec 85 Penal Code, which carries a sentence of life in neti. I am talking of arson chaps.

To sexually active jamaaz and honeys who liberally choma (infect) guys with STDs, Sec 186 of the Penal Code says you should come over we sort you out for two years while those smoothies who help files and evidence grow feet from the court registries, Sec 116 demand that you be out Cairo (toilet cleaner) for two years. Thanks for reading and learning.

Now go and be a good citizen for ignorance of the law is no defence.