How your identity crisis affects your love life

Who am I? It is a question most ponder upon in their journey of lime, sometimes the question goes unanswered beyond teenage age, young adulthood and well into late adulthood? In order to enjoy a fruitful, fulfilling life, it is important that you acknowledge your authentic self and are comfortable in answering the question; who am I?

Several Psychologists have explored this topic extensively. I particularly like the concept of Erick Erikson, a humanistic psychology, who proposed a lifespan model of social development. According to Erikson, there is plenty of room for continued growth and development throughout one’s life.

He puts emphasis on period of identity/autonomy vs confusion, citing it as a crucial stage for developing a person’s identity paving way for integration of life skills and the abilities for individuals to function efficiently within their autonomous self.

Failure to successfully complete a stage can result in a reduced ability to complete further stages and therefore breeds confusion an unhealthy personality and sense of self. When one does not have a good sense of their identity, they seek their relevance from significant others particularly the opposite sex.

Girls are at greater risk of unplanned pregnancies as they seek their identity through validation through relationships. Unplanned pregnancies occurs while the girls are vulnerable, before the age of 20 years when they are not ready to be mothers but purely seeking a connection and a sense of identity and acceptance and self-worth.

Vicky, seeking identity and validation had this to say; “I always struggled with my identity, never felt loved at home, therefore chose love in all the wrong places, in search of filling a void in ME. My indulgence with the guys distracted me from my studies and although I was a bright student, my grades deteriorated.

This annoyed my mother greatly who never spoke to me but instead resulted to physically abusing me, without ever addressing the real issue. The more they abused me to greater my need to find myself and satisfaction through romantic relationships that gave me a false sense of security."

"I thought sleeping with the guys would make me happy, little did I know the pleasure was temporary and that I would be left lonely, afraid and bitter and nursing a baby while he moved on like nothing happened. Today, I am struggling as a single parent," she narrates.

Studies on this topic indicate that while individuals are in search of identity/autonomy, there is a craving desire not only to find the self, but also to feel loved, accepted and valued. It is not uncommon for individuals at this stage to be vulnerable and seek self-seeking relationships in search of validation and identity.

It is important that parents play their affirming role at this point in helping the young girl understand herself and find meaning to her existence. It is at this stage that values, beliefs and traditions are engrained.

Family relationships are important, and meaningful relationships at home give a sense of security and comfort to the girl which affirms them giving them a good sense of worth and value.

Awareness is the heartbeat of therapy, desiring to understanding “who am I” is the first step towards a healthy lifestyle. While many individuals go through various challenges in their life cycles, what is important is not what you go through, it is how you get out of it and the attitude that you adopt in your life.

No matter where you are at, purpose to find your identity, your authentic self, your inner man. It helps to acknowledge that God created you in His own image and had a plan and a purpose as He affirms in his work in Jeremiah 29.11 “For I know the plans I have for you, plans for God and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Beloved, you are fearfully and wonderfully created in the image of God. You are beautiful beyond description, too marvelous for words. Press on and live a fruitful life in the knowledge that God loves you, knows you by name and is cheering you on.