Power of positive criticism

By Jeniffer Karina

Criticism is damaging to every relationship. However, positive criticism is useful and provides opportunity for every individual’s improvement and growth. Criticism by another or by self, is a feedback mechanism to help individuals constantly improve on their relationships. 

When criticism becomes repetitive and delivered in an insensitive and demeaning manner, it does not achieve its intended purpose. The individual’s desire to improve or change simply diminishes, and they lose their motivation.

 “How I wish my partner could stop this excessive criticism and be sensitive in their choice of words” is a cry for many couples.

Overwhelming

Many partners experience a great deal of frustration and seek interventions in dealing with constant criticism, which is overwhelming.

It is worth noting that when a partner continues to be critical it may be helpful to address the question, ‘why this criticism?’

When a partner is being critical, it may be about an issue that needs addressing, a habit or behaviour that continues to be an irritation, and there needs to be some action to work towards addressing change. 

Here are key areas to reflect on:

Purpose

What is the purpose of the criticism?  It should clearly identify the problem area and suggest interventions for the same.  Criticism without a way forward is negative, and so endeavour to give healthy feedback as to how your partner could improve. In this way, you will be promoting a problem solving and help the partner improve, achieving the intended behaviour.

 Response

It is not uncommon for a partner to take criticism personally and react more to emotion than facing the facts. Women are particularly guilty of this.

The reaction may be unreasonable and, at times, takes the criticism out of context, missing out on the facts provided and becoming illogical. Always listen with the third ear to make sense of what your partner is trying to communicate.

Facts based criticism

It helps to stay on the current issue and not bring up others that are not related to the current scenario.

As much as possible, provide a critique that is fact-centred focusing on the current and not the past.

Blaming is at the core of every criticism and makes the victim defensive. A positive need request would be helpful “I would appreciate if we could have dinner together this Friday” instead of “You are never available, when is the last time we had dinner together?”.

Or “You never have time for me”, instead, “I enjoy every moment we spend together”.

Remember it always helps to stay positive and as you criticise, have the end in mind.

On the other hand, when you are criticised, maybe its time to take on the criticism and improve in the area. Don’t give up. Relationships are worth working on!

The writer is a relationship coach and author, Marriage Built to Last. You can reach her on; www.jenniekarina.co.ke