Help: Should I be his second wife?

I am 28 years old and I request your advice because I am in a serious dilemma. I dated a guy for sometime and I got pregnant and gave birth to a baby girl.

Before we met, there was another woman who claimed to have his son, but he said the child was not his. The woman abandoned the two-month old boy at my boyfriend’s mother. The boy is now six years old and his mother got married a few years ago. She, however, recently separated with her husband because they could not get a child.

She was asked to go and ask for forgiveness where she abandoned her baby, which she did. The community now wants my boyfriend to marry her because they say she has apologised for her mistakes and also because they prefer a boy over a girl.  We are planning to formalise our union soon, but I am not ready to be the second wife. I want to leave but he swears that his baby won’t stay far from him. What do I do?

{Valarie}

Your say

Valarie, if you say you don’t want to be a second wife, then that’s just it. Don’t be. I don’t know how responsible the guy is, but I get a feeling he is not. Why, for example, didn’t he take care of his son instead of letting his mother take care of him?  He also doesn’t sound firm; otherwise the pressure from his relatives wouldn’t have gotten into him. I guess you wouldn’t like a community-controlled marriage, so move on. {Enos Ouma}

Dear Valarie, being a second wife does not mean you are loved less. Fight for your man’s love and let her be. You will be happy. {Sabbath de Yecouba}

It is not illegal that this man had a child before he met you. I just hope he told you about his past before dating you. Having a baby girl should not worry you. Gone are the days when boys were valued more than girls. {Aseri Dick}

Matters of the community are very challenging as far as men are concerned. This is because men, unlike women, are products of their communities. Stand firm because the other woman is definitely not as committed as you are. {Aseri W Dickson, Kakamega}

At the end of the day, the guy will fall for the community’s pressure and welcome back the other woman. Be wise and ask God to guide you make the right decision.  {Musani, Bomet}

You have decided to marry this guy even after learning that he fathered a child before he met you. I know it will be tough because the other woman has a boy, but follow your heart and let him know your feelings. He should also let you know why he did not marry that woman in the first place and what has changed now. {Ochaly Edwine, Mombasa}

I see no reason for you to be stressed about what you can’t change. If he truly loves you, he will defend you and will not want to hurt you. {Yusuf Lemiso, Kilgoris}

The  counselor’s say

Valarie,

Your situation is complicated because there are children involved and I can only imagine how hard it is for you. You seem clear that you want to be with this man, which is fine. You are also clear that you do not want to be a second wife, which is fine, too. Now you need to decide what you want. Do you want your child to grow up with aunts and uncles who view her as a lesser person because she is a girl? Do you want to stay with a man who can easily be so persuaded by a woman who abandoned a child? Is this the life you really want for you and your girl?

If the answer is no, then you need to make it clear to your boyfriend that you are not going to be a second wife. You should also tell him that he could take care of his son — make it clear that you are not barring him from being a parent. Finally, deal with it as a couple. The society can say all they want, but the relationship is between the two of you. Keep everyone else out of it.