Words of wisdom

By KK

Two of the best pieces of advice I have ever come across include 'avoid cigarrettes early in the morning' and 'read the quotes of great achievers'.

Quotes are great. They distill intense wisdom in a few words, saving you the horror of wading through pages of print — very useful in a society in which it is quite difficult to sell a book.

Here’s a few:

Here’s the thing about monogamy; it only works if you cheat — Denny Crane

Denny Crane is a character in a legal drama who has worked his way through six or seven wives and countless mistresses. At the age of 75, he still has the gumption to hunt down the odd victim. Fiction aside, is there any sense in what he says? Of course.

Monogamy would only work if you cheated. Think of it as a safety valve that releases pressure, a useful facility that allows you to come home, look at your greying wife and avoid exploding.

Frankly, it’s quite possible that a lot of marriages are being stabilised by an external force: the mistress who makes the once-happy groom happy again.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? — George Carlin

Yes, George, it absolutely is. And I’m not thinking about English grammar here. I’m thinking about jail. That is why they call marriage an institution, you see. Once you say I do, it is the equivalent of standing in the dock and saying, "I am guilty, your honour."

When the priest says, "I hereby pronounce you man and wife", well, you might as well have been pronounced dead. The good news is that the sentence comes with the option of early release, if you have the guts to stage a prison break — it’s called divorce.

Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution? — Groucho Marx

Yes, who indeed? I have mentioned jail but let’s go a notch lower. How about an asylum? The first few months are always nice, but after a while, the morning commute to work begins to be a nuisance. The hubby drives, the woman is buried in a newspaper. It can be bedlam to come home to find the nanny went out to chat with the watchman and so forgot to give the kids (twins) their afternoon meal on time. Now their metabolism is all messed up and they’re making a racket. Your wife is angry and she’s screaming at the nanny who is crying loudly because she’s afraid she’s going to get fired. Then the lights go out. You stand up to look for a candle but stab your toe on the edge of the coffee table instead. You scream out in pain.