Marriage and sexual dysfunction

Discovering your spouse's sexual dysfunction should not make the two of you fall out of love, writes NANCY NJAGI-MBITHI

It was quite disheartening to hear a man crying on national radio following the realisation that his wife was cheating on him.

Further disclosure revealed that the woman’s reason for being unfaithful was her husband’s sexual dysfunction. This made her seek sexual gratification from other men. Her husband was being treated for the problem but she would hear none of this.

My take on the whole story: This woman chose to be unfaithful.

"No one ever died because of lack of sex" was a common phrase used to help the youth abstain from premature sexual encounters. I would pass on the same phrase to this woman.

A sexual dysfunction within the marriage is not a licence to infidelity — it’s no licence to betray your husband’s trust especially when he is trying so hard to address the situation.

Sexual dysfunction is a persistent problem that prevents an individual or the couple from engaging in or enjoying sexual intercourse.

Some of the causes of sexual dysfunction are excessive use and abuse of drugs, fatigue, hormones or even stress. If an individual deals with these, then the dysfunction should be sorted. However, if it persists, medical advice should be sort.

Research has shown that more women than men have problems with lack of sex drive.

The most common causes for this are emotional in nature — loss of a loved one, low self-esteem, frustration, depression or even guilt.

Socialisation

A poor sex drive could also be attributed to one’s culture and socialisation. I remember my classmates and I referring to sex as bad manners during our childhood. If this gets ingrained into the minds of children and it is not reversed, these children grow up still holding onto the same notion in their subconscious mind.

This could be the reason why some couples will have sex in the dark, under the covers and possibly while still fully dressed. This could also be the reason why the face and part of the legs is all the husband or wife knows about his/her spouse. This could be the reason why some couples experience low sex drive.

The most common types of sexual dysfunction are aversion to sex, erectile dysfunction (commonly known as impotency) and premature ejaculation.

Erectile dysfunction is commonly caused by psychological factors such as loss of employment, but can also be caused by medical factors such as prostate cancer.

The first solution when dealing with any challenge is talking about it. There are other people dealing with sexual dysfunction and there is no reason to suffer in silence.

Also, there is a stigma associated with sexual dysfunction or even sexuality transmitted infections but unless we deal with our fears, matters of sexuality will continue destroying marriages. The more issues are kept in the closet, the more stressed one becomes and the more their self-esteem plummets, thus worsening the dysfunction. Instead, one should accept the situation and share with a trusted person or counsellor as they seek medical attention.

Disclosure

One’s spouse should also be fully informed. If the sexual dysfunction is due to child abuse, rape or guilt, fill them in on the story and do not walk alone.

Walk with your husband or wife through difficult moments like during loss of income, work stress or loss of a loved one. Avoid locking your partner out of your life because life stresses can cause a rift in marriage if not shared.

Discovering your spouse’s sexual dysfunction should not make you fall out of love but should instead intensify your ability to tackle challenges together.