Breaking family ties

By NANCY NJAGI-mBITHI

The level of support given to one’s ‘former’ family can be a big source of conflict in marriage.

I have heard of stories where men have been given ultimatums by their mothers to choose between them or their wives, or between their meals and those of their wife.

Women, too, are not exempted. We are known to spoil our mothers, build mansions and set up businesses for our fathers at the expense of our nuclear family and without the knowledge of our husbands.

Such struggles between a spouse and their family of origin are normal. This is because we have known our families all our life, yet we are just beginning to know our spouse.

Several of us have been brought up by a loving mother, father or guardian and with loving siblings. The love that we have grown to understand is what we now reciprocate to our spouse. Our family of origin gives us the necessary background in knowing how to behave as a wife and yet, suddenly we are expected to put our family second and our spouses first.

This is a great struggle, yet one we must overcome for the growth of our marriage.

The truth is that if we have not emotionally or physically left our families of origin, then it is very difficult to become one with our spouses.

We need to give our marriage the first priority so that it can grow. This does not mean totally breaking relations with our family of origin, but rather giving ourselves room to, without the interference of external pressures, better know this other person we will be living with the rest of our life.

This, therefore, calls for a balance and willingness to listen to the concerns of one’s spouse because we often lack objectivity when dealing with our native family. Having grown with them and appreciating them as they are, we tend not to see any defects in their behaviour. Your partner might not view them the same way you do.

So if your husband says that your sister or relatives have overstayed their visit, then you need to listen.

Your husband also needs to listen to your concerns when it comes to his family. If it is a mother-in-law who is interfering, it is important for you and your husband to reason out together.She could be insecure and the two of you need to reassure her. We are not meant to totally detach ourselves from our families.

There is nothing wrong in supporting relatives. However, spending too much family money, time and energy on one set of in-laws at the detriment of your nuclear family will bring about marital conflict.

As newlyweds, discuss how much you should be involved with your family.

I attended a wedding where the bride’s father handled this very well. He told his daughter that he would never accept any gift from her unless her husband was physically present to give the gift, too. No secret M-Pesas!

This old man had made his point. Discuss such issues. Consult with one another. Be one and allow your new-formed family to grow.