15 ways to reignite the dying embers of long term relationships

Everything is new and exciting with young love, but as months turn to years, the passion fades and people grow apart. What can one do to keep the spark alive and passionate over years? Chris Hart, a counselling psychotherapist, shares.

Is boredom a common reason for a long term relationship to break down?

Yes it is, but actually it's not so much the boredom that finally ends things, but loneliness.

Because while it's obviously a good idea for couples to keep coming up with new ideas to maintain their passion for one another, many are happy just enjoying their familiar routine.

But couples do worry about slipping into a rut, because at the beginning of a relationship, everything's new and exciting, so everyone thinks relationships are all about excitement. Newly-weds spend lots of time doing things together, talking about each other's ideas and opinions, discussing their plans for the future and so on. And forever making out of course!

But inevitably, all that excitement starts to fade sooner or later. And perhaps one of them starts to neglect the other. Their emotional intimacy falls as they spend less and less time talking together. And so their physical intimacy also starts to drop.

So lots of spouses end up feeling 'lonely' in their relationship. They're bored too, and long for the excitement they felt back in the beginning. But what really does the damage is that they no longer feel their partner cares about them. And if that continues, then the relationship will eventually fail.

How soon does this 'boredom' commonly set in after a relationship starts?

Some couples stay fresh and passionate their whole lives. Others start to drift within months. A lot depends on whether the couple consistently puts their relationship first, or allows family, children, career or social life to come between them.

Is there anything like the 'seven-year itch'?

Not really. The phrase 'seven year itch' was actually made famous by a film! The Seven Year Itch. The one where Marilyn Monroe's white dress was spectacularly lifted up by the wind from a passing subway train. The film's plot revolves around the idea that marriages go flat around the seventh year, but actually that can happen anytime.

But it's definitely true that most relationships go through a bad patch sometime early on. As the romance fades and responsibilities and pressures grow. The trick's being aware of that, watching for the signs and getting back on course.

What are some of the signs of boredom setting in?

There are many, but a key one is that bedtime's no longer the most exciting moment in the day! You hardly ever talk about anything other than the children, and whose turn it is to take the trash out. You find yourself spending more time at work or with your friends rather than with your spouse.

 And there are many topics you can't talk about anymore, you no longer remember anniversaries, and have forgotten what size clothes your partner wears, or what their favourite foods are.

What are the common causes of that lull in a relationship?

Mostly it's caused by getting distracted by work, social life, your wider family, and especially childcare.

You work late, attend endless family functions, and the children's routine has become more important than your time together. You're perpetually tired, rarely talk together alone, and so you start to drift apart.

What's the biggest intimacy killer in a relationship?

Above all, criticism. It's part of human nature to criticise our loved ones, it seems, but the natural result is that your partner will start editing what they say to avoid getting their ear chewed!

And before you know it, you're no longer being completely open and honest with one another. And little seeds of distrust are beginning to grow. So resist the urge to criticise! There's always another way to get what you want.

What do you do to bring back the sizzle once the boredom begins?

Put your relationship first in your priorities, and start organising things to have time to talk together. Every day.

Send the kids to bed on time, and switch your phones off! Rediscover each other by talking all about what's going on in your lives, and start being affectionate again. Remind yourselves of all those wonderful things you did when you first met, start talking again about what turns you on, and let your hair down! And schedule some time for sex!

I know 'spontaneous sex' sounds better, but trust me, it never happens. So unashamedly put it in your diary!

What makes for a longer lasting relationship? People with different personalities and interests or people with similar interests and personalities?

The most stable couples are generally those who share similar backgrounds, culture, education and so on. But there are always loads of exceptions! Lots of international marriages are very successful, for example, despite the couple's different cultures and backgrounds.

Shared interests can be helpful, but I also know loads of successful relationships which have no interests in common. And almost all couples have different personalities.

We actually seem to be attracted to different personalities when dating, probably because having two differing points of view in a relationship makes for better decisions - despite the many irritations it causes!

Can a marriage be exciting always? How does one handle the passionless familiarity that comes with long term relationship? Is there a way to evade it? Can a new relationship give you that spark?

With the right partner and the right attitudes, a marriage can stay exciting for a lifetime! Familiarity's actually rather nice, if you think about it, but it mustn't ever become passionless.

Keep things exciting by talking about what you want between the sheets, have a shared bedtime, and kiss and cuddle every night. And never lose the wonder of being naked together.

Would a new relationship reignite your spark? Of course, briefly, but then it will simply follow the same pattern...

People change over time. One could go on to accomplish amazing things while the other feels stuck (common example is the career man and stay at home mum) thus they inevitably grow apart and there is resentment. In this example, what can such a couple do to keep their relationship strong?

Yes people do inevitably change, and so you must track the changes in each other. And continually rebuild your shared goals. Keep updating your individual ambitions, and enthusiastically support each other. Taking pleasure in your successes as a couple, rather than allowing jealousy to creep in.

How important is a dynamic sex life to a strong relationship? Does a couple have to re-invent themselves sexually?

Few people realise just how important sex is to a happy relationship. So they fail to make enough time for intimacy. While the best couples make love 24/7!

Even in public, you can see that little spark going between them. And they constantly discuss what each wants in bed. And that's forever changing, so they're always reinventing themselves sexually.

What are some of the things men and women can do to keep a relationship exciting?

Always be interested in each other. Keep fit. Pay each other lots of genuine attention. Know exactly what turns each other on, never say no, and never play sexual power games.

Discuss your sexual fantasies, and find something a little bit naughty that you both like - spanking for example, or sex toys. Satisfying each other's kinks holds a couple together like glue!

Most couples grow apart when the children come. What causes this? And what can a couple do?

Children are a lot of work! They're demanding and tiring. Add a growing career and your wider family responsibilities, and it's easy to understand how a couple can start to neglect one another.

So make sure the kids do their share of the chores, get to bed on time, and spend lots of time with Grandma. So you two can get up to lots of mischief together.

When the kids are grown and gone, and you realise that you have grown apart as a couple. Is the intimacy salvageable?

Yes it is, but it's better maintained all along. Because if you don't there's a real risk that when the kids leave you can't face life alone together. Lawyers have a word for them - silver divorcees!

So the moment you realise you're beginning to feel like that, and your emotional and physical intimacy has fallen off, start talking.

What should you do if your partner ever says they're lonely?

Take them very seriously. Loneliness ends more marriages than all the other problems put together. Look at the amount of time you're spending alone together, and what you talk about.

Think about your sex life. Resolve any underlying issues. And if any of that's difficult, see a counsellor together.