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The biggest scam of all time? Why marriage is a big, fat lie

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 Who came up with these rules? [Photo: Courtesy]

Marriage is the biggest scam of all time. It is a deliberate global fraud if you ask me. 

Just look at how celebrity couples publicly gift each other houses, cars or go for expensive holidays; or how magazines feature happy couples on their covers every day. Coincidence?

Hell, no! Misery loves company. These victims of marriage are on a mission to recruit more members into this ‘sect of the afflicted’, probably hoping for consolation in numbers. People, don’t fall for this con.

If marriage was really as beautiful as it is billed, couples would be too busy under covers, instead on the covers of glossy magazines.

Typical of any scam, you get recruited with the promise of heaven on earth. The woman is packaged as the perfect homemaker, while the man is poster picture of a man who will not spare a coin to make his wife forever happy.

It really is true what they say about fattening sheep before slaughter. As soon as you are cornered with that shimmering ring on your finger, everything changes.

All the love and attention go out the window, and in comes bickering and the energy-sapping distraction of warding off your husband’s side chicks.

Romance and foreplay that used to take hours fizzle out into boring, routine, one-second, missionary-style humping. And the wife makes little effort too.

 These victims of marriage are on a mission to recruit more members [Photo: Courtesy]

She just lies there with her belly looking like stack of cinnamon rolls, with hair that resembles a burnt bush! For all we know, she could be counting down the days to her chama merry-go-round windfall.

Marriage is therefore passing off a product by shrewd marketers. And couples are hoarding the lie.

You don’t know this person well enough; you have no idea how many men have slithered their kuni into that slippery cranny, or how many women have blown the man’s pipe.

 No one comes with a letter of recommendation from their exes, or a portfolio of their exploits. They pretend to be well-behaved and sophisticated, only to turn into monsters the minute they step inside your home. 

Suddenly this person who used to nibble her food, ati she’s watching her weight transforms into a hyena, eating everything from the sufuria, including cracking and munching on bones!

When you think about it deeply, marriage is nothing but prostitution clothed in propriety and a gown of societal acceptance. Here are these two people who came together, each with a goal in their mind.

Guy believes he is guaranteed of unlimited sex, while the woman is thankful she has someone to fleece money off without anyone judging her. One body and soul my a*s!

 When you think about it deeply, marriage is nothing but prostitution [Photo: Courtesy]

Try removing sex or money from the equation and watch that damned thing crumble like a sand cookie!

Why do you think 90 per cent of divorce cases are about infidelity, denial of conjugal rights or failure to provide for the family? 

Of course people will argue that it is an equal partnership. But what kind of ‘equal partnership’ is this where one party has more powers than the other?

The husband cheats and the wife is blamed for driving him into another woman’s arm. The wife cheats and she is shamed as a slut who is sexually insatiable.

Catch me dead buying into the one-man-sexin’, mother-in-law-hatin’ load of crap for the woman, while the man gets a free pass.

How is it that men in this union have the luxury of straying to make up for the shortcomings of the wife, while women get handed a raw deal? Why is polygamy considered heroic and acceptable, while polyandry is rubbished as disgusting?

 How is it that men in this union have the luxury of straying? [Photo: Courtesy]

Who came up with these rules? The worst part is that choices for women are so limited in this scam, that you cannot even get a complete package. If you get a handsome guy, he probably broke like a roach in a bachelor’s house.

If you land a rich dude, chances are he is ugly and fat like a pig! And you expect a woman to stick to this one, raw-deal choice?

Stop selling a lie to people. Show them the truth and be honest about what marriage really entails. It’s hard, complicated...and that’s not counting the suffocating farts under the duvet, or restriction of freedom.

If this marriage thing is not reconsidered, like for instance a clause that allows for renewal or termination of the union after say every three months, then abeg we love each other from afar!

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