Of kwasa-kwasa priesthood, Kenyan ‘messiahs’ and bedazzled devotees

First came rumours that Jevohah was missing. Yes Wanyonyi, the Chemomoroch village-based, self-proclaimed creator-cum-savior of mankind, kaiser-in-chief and Akuku Danger of The Lost Israelites of Kenya. It has not yet been established whether Chemomoroch is the elusive Canaan, but that is something we should clear up when Jehohah, er, comes back.

Not far from Chemomoroch, another melodrama happened in a latter-day holy of holies in Vihiga County.

On that fateful day, three devotees of the African Israel Church Nineveh founded in late 1950s by Rev Zacheaus Kivuli lost their lives in a brutal and bloody contest of power.

Theirs was death most foul in the hands of fellow faithful. To clear any doubts, kivuli in Kiswahili does not mean ‘shady’; it means ‘shadow’ or ‘shade’.

In between Wanyonyi and Kivuli came increasingly familiar shenanigans. This time round, the story was not about an obscenely snazzy wedding, luminous kwasa-kwasa attire or hypnotic evangelizing. The man of God was alleged to have killed someone and maimed another in a road accident blamed on reckless driving.

Incidentally ‘neno’, as in Neno Evangelism, is Kiswahili for word. Word, presumably as we know it biblically.

To add to a disturbingly growing deck of recent tomfooleries of the robed ilk, a story of road carnage involving another glittery shepherd was quickly exhumed from a dead past.

luxurious behemoth

Yes, yet another man of God and leader of Helicopter Ministries had apparently killed a pedestrian in Nyeri County, before, er, negotiating his freedom, covering the trails (or so he thought) and resuming his duties at the pulpit.

That was on June 24 this year. In case you are struggling to reconcile the meeting place of helicopters, ministries and priestly misadventures, the accident did not happen mid-air. And no aircraft was involved.

Like in the neno case, the man of the helicopter was driving a luxurious behemoth (none of that Jesus arriving in Jerusalem on a braying donkey stuff).

There and then, a hapless, nameless and faceless man--who perhaps could hardly tell the difference between a Range Rover Sports and a helicopter--was consigned back to his maker. Just! No ceremonies, no apologies, and most certainly, no maneno.

Someone say Amen!

With such sassy tales of woe and doom oozing freely out of the priesthood, one would be excused for imagining that all, in regard to faith and things of God, is completely lost.

devilish screams

Personally I don’t buy that. There are numerous genuine men and women of noble and upright intent working day and night to win lost souls back to God.

The genuine ones seldom foam at the mouth as they make divine proclamations.

Those of us whose induction to the church was through solemn Sunday School are unlikely to forget the gripping accounts of Noah, Jonah, Isaac and of course, Jesus Christ. We were socialised to be eternally suspicious of denominations given to screaming and bellowing as well as those of ‘many waters’.

The ‘many waters’ reference derives from evangelical practice of baptising by submerging adherents into water. Most critically, back then, we all believed that the salvation of a rich man, likened in the Bible to a camel trying out agile gymnastics in and out of the eye of a needle was near impossible. Now you know where and when the spirit of entrepreneurship in some of us disappeared!

In fact, had Barack Obama visited Kenya as President of the United States of America in my primary school days and specifically on a mission to promote entrepreneurship, the search for the ultimate antichrist would most likely have ended pronto.

Today, I doubt there are better examples of audacious entrepreneurship and blatant noise pollution as we find in congregations with an appetite for seasoning prayer with orgasmic chants and devilish screams.

While I humbly acknowledge that the ever-merciful and gracious Jehovah would not mind his chosen ones to experience some comfort and happiness, I doubt He would sanction the indulgence, debauchery and hedonism some church leaders seem to have fallen prey to.

acrobatic ‘gospelpreneurs’

Neither do I believe God the Almighty would smile at atavistic and hodgepodge expressions of unfiltered morality passed as African Christian sensibility or consciousness.

For the longest time Christian churches, particularly the more bubbly types, have vehemently resisted centralised regulation arguing that they draw their legitimacy from and authority from the almighty God. But then there is a problem. A big problem.

And that’s because most of them actually believe that they are mightier than the Almighty God.

So please, next time you hear of ‘Ndombolo ya Yesu’ messiahs and chest-thumbing acrobatic ‘gospelpreneurs’, don’t kneel down in prayer. Scatter!