Nine phrases you should never say to your woman

 An unhappy couple.

Words can get us into trouble. Instead of wishing you could travel back in time and slap yourself before you detonate the word bombs, gentlemen, here are a few things you should never say to your woman.

What have you been doing?

This is particularly annoying when you have been sitting in the car hooting impatiently while I close the windows, turn off the lights, make sure the children are dressed, oiled, fed and cleaned and, of course, adjust my wig.

However, it is devastating when your lady has been doing housework all day, and she forgets to run one errand and instead of noticing all she has done, you zero in on the one thing she hasn’t done.

Here is your child

It has been scientifically and legally established that a child belongs to both parents. It is also a fact that children thrive under the care of both parents. Contrary to what you’ve been socialised to believe, it is not true that the bad manners of children come from their mother; it can also be a result of an absent father dropping the ball.

So, when you get home, no matter how tired you assume you are, don’t make a big deal out of it if the children need your attention.

Calm down / stop over reacting

If she is upset about something, do not trivialise her feelings, or your part in causing them, by telling her to calm down.

You do not get to piss her off, and then put a volume button on the storm you have caused.

What is it this time?

This implies that she is always complaining or nagging, and presupposes that you are perfect, infallible and on your way to angelic superhero status.

Sometimes she is reminding you to do things you promised you’d do ages ago but haven’t got round to. You know that you’ll be upset if she gets someone else to fix it, so stop trying to make her look like a nag.

Are you stupid?

This goes with other similarly abusive phrases – there is no reason and no room for any adult to stoop to insults to resolve a disagreement. If you think she is stupid, what does that make you? You’re the idiot who married and procreated with a stupid woman!

What haven’t I done for you?

Do you really want me to make a list of all the things you have not done for me? At any point in your relationship, you will only have scratched the surface of what is possible. While you are puffing your chest because you put Sh500,000 in her business and paid school fees that one time for her younger brother, there are men donating kidneys to their sick wives or buying their women a private jet.

Marriage should be a daily opportunity to find new and more extravagant and selfless ways to love. If you have run out of ideas after three years of marriage, it is nothing to be proud of.

I told you so

No one likes hearing that, even when they are in the wrong. When life has hit your wife, take the opportunity to be in her corner and lift her up.

She will be more likely to listen to you next time. If it is more important to you to tell her how you told her so, she will stop coming to you when she has messed up, and somewhere down the road, the situation will blow up in your face.

Njoro’s wife lets him do this

Okay, go set up a wife sharing arrangement with Njoroge and give me some peace. First of all, there is a 90 per cent chance that 90 per cent of the things Njoro tells you at the bar are embellished or untrue. We have to work on our marriage based on the people we are, not on what we imagine other people can handle.

You knew who I was before you married me

Ha! What a joke! The man I knew used to hold my hand and spend money on me. He was romantic, kind and listened to me and supported my dreams. Is he even related to the selfish, distant beast who is now telling me ati I knew who he was? We are all on best behaviour in the honeymoon phase. It is also a fact that we are growing and changing all the time, so get with the programme.