Sly Yoweri’s ingenious re-election strategy

By GRACE NAKATO

The Uganda Peoples Defense Forces (UPDF) is carrying out a recruitment exercise throughout the country to boost their numbers, and bring in fresh blood. Our army is the best because we recruit the best of the best, and weed out puny inferior specimens.

The recruitment exercise has been quite rigorous, with many falling by the wayside before real training begins. Most of the washouts must have a very poor grasp of English or could not conceptualise how thorough and arduous the selection process is.

Armed forces

Hundreds were turned away due to documentation issues and should have been caned for this. How do you apply for a job in the armed forces using forged documents? There are those who perhaps thought that excellent hygiene is not a pre-requisite. 

I know our forces generally live in squalid conditions, but there has never been an outbreak of cholera or typhoid. But I didn’t expect an applicant to show up with ringworms and skin rashes. Of course, the poor chaps were shocked when they were told poor personal hygiene would not be tolerated!

Again, the army does not recruit people who cannot eat quickly, thus those with deformed or missing teeth were also turned away. These were the fortunate ones. The kilometre long run in the hot noonday sun from the recruitment ground to the training facility separated the chaff from the wheat, and we can be sure the cadets, who will pass out in a few months ,shall be of the highest caliber.

They were not the only ones undergoing training. Six hundred selected teachers from Western Uganda underwent a “ten-day patriotism training” where there were no reported casualties.

These heads of educational institutions were in for a treat; apart from the usual ‘thinking out the box’ and ‘team building exercises’, they were also taught combat skills.

The teachers were given physical drills and also taught how to handle guns as part of the ‘trends in combating corruption’.

Teachers’ strike

The focus of the training was to return respect to the teaching fraternity. Personally, I think this was in anticipation of the planned teachers strike as the new term opens today.

We shall soon see these heads of department donning military uniform and engaging students and striking teachers in hand-to-hand combat.

Those who can afford to will also perhaps get a license to carry a gun. This will bring relief to the parents who consistently send their children to boarding school to ‘learn manners’ only to have their young hooligans torching school property, because there was no meat for lunch.

I give the president a big hi-five and I may just be one of the millions who shall vote him in for another term.

This is how M7 has consistently beaten his opponents — strategy. He is not buying votes; he is aligning himself with our key priority — peace. The youth are getting sacks of cash or pick ups to manage their lives — youth vote, tick!

Schools will no longer need help from the police to quell riots, as they will be stomped on before they can begin, let alone escalate into destruction of property — men’s vote, tick! The women are awaiting you Mr President — we want to see your handiwork in the kitchen budget.