The many ways of skinning a groom

By Tony Masikonde

How far will Kenyan women go in trying to get Mr Right? We are not talking about the ‘deep down’ thingie or tall dark and handsome, we are talking innovation. As they say, necessity is the mother of innovation.

Last Friday, we were seated at the usual oasis at Nairobi West with Frao, Brayo, Stacy and Felista, a girl that Stacy had tagged along with a couple of other girls who were drowning Guinness as if it was running out of fashion.

Then out of the blue, Connie, one of the women who I can estimate to be in her early 30s, stated that Kenya has run out of good eligible men.

Frao and I quickly told her off, saying she must have been looking in the wrong places.

“No way,” she retorted. “I have done my research. There are no men in church or in the pubs.”

“Those in church are either hugely sex starved pests or pretentious wolves who, given a chance at a dark corner, could maul you like a hyena,” stated Connie.

Before we could breath, she continued: “Annoyingly, most of those in the pubs are too ‘limp’ to live a full life”.

“What do you mean live a full life? They are likely to die before their time or…” I sought clarification.

flabbergasted

“No, dying is not an issue. People kick the bucket daily. Living a full life is enjoying all the pleasures that life can provide. I mean… how can a man who cannot be counted to rise to the occasion, attract and keep a cougar like me?” she said this and stood up to make a 360 degrees twirl to display her ‘wares’.

That left even the hardcore players like Frao flabbergasted.

“So what have you decided to do? To swing both ways or what?” Brayo managed to muster.

I have no intention of swinging like a hotel door in a cowboy movie, but I think I will have to be prepared to explore new frontiers.

We were all eager to hear this new frontier approach that Connie had up her sleeve.

“Ha! So are you importing an alien?” posed Stacy.

That’s when she dropped a bombshell. Apparently, a colleague of hers hunted for a Mr Right in the most unorthodox ways. The girl in question came up with a novel idea. Everyday, she would buy the highest circulating dailies and skim for opportunities. Not in the classified sections of ‘Lovers wanted’, ‘lonely hearts’ or ‘Singles’ section, she would go fishing in the obituaries!

 

“Those in church if given a chance at a dark corner can maul you like a hyena”

 

She would look at all the young women who have passed on and tread about the heart broken left behind with preferably one child. Once she identified the widower, she would make arrangements to attend the burial meetings, grieving profusely like the rest of the clan. She would make her notable contribution and if anyone dared to ask her how she knew the deceased, she had a ready answer. “We went to school together”.

 

On the material day, she would make the long trip upcountry, make her thorough assessment of her would be in-laws and relatives, and if they tick all the right boxes, she would go for the kill.

That woman, as you read this, is now married to a widower.