As we face East, State might outlaw EPL

By ANIL BAKARI

KENYA: Kenya is behaving like a woman scorned, whose fury knows no boundary or decorum, thanks to the ICC cases facing the president and his deputy.

Words like diplomacy and bilateral ties have escaped our politicians’ minds as they pour vitriol on our foreign partners.

On the receiving end is Britain, which the Jubilee coalition politicians reckon to be ‘Kenya’s Enemy Number One’.

In their words and actions, Kenyans should shun anything British (never mind their children are studying in Britain). Britain ‘betrayed’ us at the UN Security Council. Period.

By their reasoning, anything British is bad, and anything Chinese or Russian is good.

God forbid

For the Love of the Game fears if these politicians do not redeem consciousness, Kenya will eject British soldiers from Laikipia, bar use of British names and their second-hand clothes, and God forbid, ban screening of the English Premier League (EPL) matches locally.

You see, EPL is one of Britain’s top exports, particularly to Africa. From slums of Nairobi, to the opulent villas of Runda and Karen and the grass-thatched huts of Nyalgunga, the EPL keeps millions of Kenyans glued to TV sets every weekend.

They cheer when Asenali (Arsenal) beats Mani U (Manchester United), Manichester Siti (Manchester City) slaughters Atoti (Tottenham Hotspurs) and Livapoli (Liverpool) being extinguished by Sautsambton (Southampton).

Going by the excitement, the matches generate across the country, the EPL is certainly the best thing to have come from Britain in recent times.

Jobless

Perhaps politicians do not know, but the matches keep jobless youths busy and entertainment joints rake millions of shillings from screening live matches. And this has a positive impact on our economy. It is hard reading a politician’s mind. Given their numbers in parliament, who knows, they might pass a law to outlaw the screening of the EPL, just so, to punish our ‘enemy’ and protect Kenya’s interests.

And guess what will replace EPL? Chinese and Russian premier leagues because these are the nations that ‘stood by Kenya at UN Security Council’.

So, Kenyans should be ready to be bombarded with names like Ching Chong, Ku Wuui, Shi Sho and Xi Lolo from China. More pronunciation nightmares from Russia as Vodka Vidic, Yeltsin Kiriyenko, Anatoly Chechnya and Viktor Chernomyrdin will be broadcast to us at ungodly hours.

Policy

Out will go the ‘devilish’ Manchester United, the shooting Arsenal and Chelsea, in will come Chinese football clubs Beijing Guoan, Changchun Yatai and Tianjin Teda. From Russia you better pick your team now as CSKA Moscow, Spartak Vladikavkaz and Zenit St. Petersburg will be part of our football culture.

And that, football lovers, will be a shift of our Foreign Football Policy and a great punishment to Britain.