Modern African woman in self-denial

In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas or values.

The modern African woman is the perfect example of this discomfort. It tears her apart each day. Especially when she is caught up between being modern and being true to her African roots.

Typically, old African women are witches to the new generation. Their rituals and rites are so intense we can only brand them. The modern African woman is so disjointed she thinks the older women were disadvantaged to live in their generation. She cannot understand how they survived the difficult era. She does not pause to think she is a product of that era.

She does not for a day envision referring to that era. She knows it all. She has the books. She is not primitive. When our great grandmothers try to point us to what defined womanhood, we turn our noses. Everything they did that is documented in our educational books oppressed them.

They were mutilated as a rite of passage, one man married them in lumps, they had no romance, and they were not hygienic, long list.

No one seems to realise they were more spiritually grounded than we will ever be. They knew their place, they kept their lanes and it worked for them in most cases.

The modern generation seeks non-practical ideals in almost every area of their lives.

Spiritually, she is trapped in a religion that disregards her. In most modern-day religions, she is second to man and God is always a man. Everything that religion dictates to her goes against every part of her being. She constantly has to look for ways to fit in. She is modern; she can be dead inside and still look whole. She trudges on, because life as a woman is hard.

Sexually, she is to satisfy the man. She is to keep the man fully pleasured and go along with most of the things the man says. Again, doctrines in modern religions and the patriarchal system tell her to toe the line. In some instances, not being sexy enough gets her divorced.

She is completely detached from her body; her natural body processes are dirty. Sometimes when she gets pregnant she is shamed. The only time her body is divine is when she is using it to serve one man. The right man.

When she settles down to build a family with a man, she fears that he will stray, or she will stray and the family may break down. So she keeps her sexuality tamed for purposes of marriage. Needless to say, she is usually doing this on her own.

So many modern women have cried after being cheated on. Sometimes I think if women reviewed their sexual needs the world will capsize and kill us all.

Sensually, when she says what she feels all the time and asks for it, she is insatiable. She will have to fill up her voids with proper activities. She cannot be too needy.

She cannot easily ask for things, the right man will figure out what she needs and do their best to fulfil it. Simple things like her birthdays and anniversaries are causes of break-ups when one party forgets. Very few modern women light candles, burn incense and celebrate themselves.

Intellectually, the more intelligent a woman is, the more she has to learn to deal with everyone.

Not everyone knows what to do with a woman who knows what to do and does it. Cognitive dissonance resounds for the modern woman because at some point in her life she will do one or two things that her religion does not advocate for but her culture does.

And she will be in turmoil. She will try to find middle ground and understand why she is a church elder and her grandmother has to bury her children’s umbilical cord after birth.

She will start questioning dowry and its place in her modern bubble. She will say she is not property, she will go through the motions with utter ignorance, she will feel objectified. She has no interest in seeking counsel from the elders.

How can they know? They are only after money. When old, frail women are burnt to death over witchcraft allegations, she will clutch at her holy book of choice and let her spiritual connection burn in shame.

When she grows older and life becomes much more realistic and she gets tired of trying to be who she is not; when she naturally starts seeking her true self, she will feel so hollow it will crush her.

She will need to forgive herself; she will scour the village for any old person who knows anything cultural.

She will do it for the future generation. She will beat cognitive dissonance when she goes back home to her true self. She will remember today.