It's ingokho, not my useless degree, that will win beauties from the East

As I used to tell bullies during my high school days, I am a lover and hardly a fighter. Haters heard coward but I cared less as long as the babes loved it. That is why I tell Michelle that she is lucky to have me, but the woman doesn’t listen.

My charm with the ladies, however, seems to have worn off because I did not attain the fame that a certain “Pukusu” tribesman is wading in simply because I never went job seeking in Westlands. My parents sent me to school and diminished all chances that I would stumble upon Asian love as a casual labourer in some leafy residence.

Now am stuck with a useless degree, (I have never passed an interview) and a wife who will never be a trending topic on Twitter. Actually, I myself find her boring and cannot remember why I married her in the first place.

Marital frustrations

And since hot Kenyan males have been in season long before Obama senior claimed the White House in our honour. I may as well position myself as the next big Brand Kenya romantic. I mean, a “Pukusu” tribesman could do it, why can I.

I know you expect that I will head down to the Coast and masquerade as a Maasai to attract a wealthy German grandmother with tons of money to spend. Well, I would have done that save for the fact that the Germans will not be fooled by my bald head.

A research I independently conducted indicated that they like their Maasai morans tall, and with long hair intricately styled with red matope. A bald Maasai will be a tough sell as they have never seen one.

That is why even a wig cannot help me here. But according to a certain Asian mheshimiwa, we have so many damsels in distress among his community. Therefore, it is not exactly rocket science that the many Sarikas out there require more Knights in shining armor to sweep them off their feet.

While the rest of us are busy tweeting our marital frustrations, one Timothy Khamala is reaping the rewards of looking for love in the oddest of places.

The man was busy washing his boss’ car and when he lifted the bonnet, Lo and Behold! In the true Kenyan spirit of bravery, the man did not even bother to consider that she was the Bwana Mkubwa’s daughter.

He took her hand and sprinted with her to his dark hut in the village. The man understandably, after such a rare find forgot to ask for his wages in his haste. Therefore when her clan went looking for their daughter, the man told them to pay up before they could negotiate a settlement.

Friend from KTN

Those in the know say it was an ugly scene with unprintable cursing in Hindi but the young ones were spared all the vulgarity by the mere fact that they could not understand a single word.

I understand the girl declared that she was ready to starve in her Tim’s hovel than make merry at her dad’s palace. Of course, this was a half-truth. What she did not say was that she preferred ingokho, (traditional chicken) and obusuma (Ugali) to the hot curry and the vegetarian salads they serve back at home.

This lady is made for the farm judging from her boots, jeans and the ease with which she handles a jembe. Every farmers dream wife.

This man Timothy Khamala is a lucky chap. If pressure from around the world builds up to fever pitch, the Indian Council might as well decide to settle their daughters dowry in line with Indian tradition rather than have one of their own unaccounted for.

Besides, it is a known fact that the African custom, where men pay dowry in cows may be an anathema to those who consider the animal sacred. They had rather uphold their own traditions which is fine by Khamala.

So all the dude has to do is keep feeding his bride ingokho as he awaits them to come around and he will be smiling all the way to the bank. I mean, driving all the way to the bank because of course her dad will have to allow her to take her toys which of course include the small car.

That is when all roads will lead to the East. “Ofisa, ameniambia nimtegeeko hapa,” (Officer, she has instructed me to wait for her right here) Most blokes arrested loitering in Westlands, will explain to the cop.

And that is when the Bollywood blockbuster by the title ‘Pyaar Muhabbat’ (My devoted beloved) Kenyan chapter will begin.

What these suitors will be claiming is that there is a drop of “Pukusu” blood in their system. Real drama will follow hot in the heels.

After the disappearance of a dozen or so beauties, Kenyan boys will start going missing without a trace.

“The last text he sent his mother was that he was heading to Westlands for a date with his Indian girlfriend,” a friend will inform KTN.

Then an announcement that some Indian parents are demanding a hostage exchange exercise will be the latest crisis in the land.

But for all those successful interracial couples, Asande Yeso.