Blaming it all on alcohol

By John K Kariuki

That Kenyans love their drink is not in dispute. Liquor guzzling seems to be a national pastime. But some Kenyans’ lack of social etiquette to hold down a drink frequently stuns and entertains at functions.

In such moments, some inebriated party clowns routinely offer solutions to all mankind problems. They talk big about prime property that largely exists in their imaginations.

And the best kept family secrets like where and how an ageing paterfamilias first flattered his wife, are revealed to the shock and awe of the children and guests! "Muulize kama sikumu-tune kwenye post office (Ask her if it is a lie that I met her at the post office).

Yet there are others who turn wild and appalling after a few sips and expect everybody to understand it is all: "Caused by beer, you know." Such people may even go to the extremes of ‘forgetting’ where the toilets are.

drunken gibberish

Like me, you must have rued the day you attended a function and a drunkard drew all attention to you by announcing your profession and status to a full congregation. "This man should not cheat you; he is just a teacher!" The drunkard may have shouted.

You must have wished that the ground would open and swallow you when some soaked ‘party Neanderthals’ sprung from your past and slandered you in front of your present companion. They may have stopped short of giving the specifications of your ‘Weapon of Mass Destruction’, just to prove "how much they know you.

In addition to my fear of God, hot porridge and the American Joint Direct Attack Munitions –– the smart laser-guided bombs –– I fear party drunkards with a passion.

Dutch courage

Drunkenness is often a social license thorough which many eccentricities come to the fore like the case of a policeman who took one too many drinks. He retired to his house after his fill, but by the sudden brain wave and courage that alcohol frequently bestows to drinkers, he felt duty bound to find out what was afoot at a function in the neighbourhood. He donned his cap and overcoat and boots and went to the occasion to enforce the new noise rules. But there was a small disconcerting detail about his attire. He forgot to wear his trousers and instead had his underwear beneath his police overcoat.

And I have seen many people imbibe and insinuate drunkenness as the reason for the social, personal and corporate disasters they wreaked thereafter.

"Ah, you know I was not in control." But go tell this to the marines when they next visit Mombasa. In one function I attended, a male recluse finally found some Dutch courage in a few tots of spirit. He chose the moment to disclose his thoughts, in vernacular, to a lady he had been lusting for. Never mind that he chose a short, pithy and austere speech without any metaphors. The lady was peeved and left in a huff as the other guests roared with laughter.

Daring fate

A man in my social circles at least has some humour in his trademark drunken jingo: "I am as stable as the American dollar."

This guy often dares fate, by starting his car to ‘take him home’ with another jingo: "Come hell or Borneo," to which he adds a stark qualifier: "Whichever is nearer!"

And another ageing man of the "Makerere generation", who walks with an academic angle, often imbibes strong spirits. He describes his steadily drunkenness as the work of reawakening of demons. When the ‘devils’ wake up, he gives every occasion a little horror by narrating the sickening details of Idi Amin’s regime’s butchering and raping methods. When he gets out of steam and has a hangover he says: "The livestock and wildlife in my head are now chasing each other."

Recently, a respectable civil servant attended a function where a new woman DC was being installed. He came late and drunk. At a sudden genius stroke, he strutted to the dais. Peering keenly he recognised fellow heads of departments and squeezed himself between them.

Shameful realisation

No problem. But on rubbing his eyes several times the man could not identify the new woman. And so he turned to the MC and brashly demanded to be introduced to "this beautiful woman."

Scandalised, the DC ordered his arrest but he was released the following morning without any charges when shame finally descended on him.

As I sign off to watch and eavesdrop on you, please take only what your head can contain.

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