Birth control against my faith

I have been married for six years and have two children. After the birth of our second child, I developed some complications. My doctor said my health would be at risk if I were to conceive again. I am 39 years old.

The problem is, my church is against use of contraceptives. This is making me push my husband away and I am scared it might cause problems in my marriage. I don’t want to defy my church beliefs or break my marriage. What should I do?

Henrietta, Kitui

Your situation has put you in a dilemma. You are torn between your obligations to your husband and church. This no doubt is causing you a lot of anxiety.

Before you arrive at a decision, it would be wise to talk with your husband about your condition. If he is unaware that your health is at risk, visit the doctor together so that he can hear the information first-hand and ask questions if he is unclear about some matters. This would also be a good opportunity to ask the doctor to explain other natural methods of family planning that do not involve the use of contraceptives.

One method the doctor might suggest is following your monthly cycle and only having sexual relations on safe days. This method is not 100 per cent effective and only works if your menstrual cycle is regular. Because this will require your husband’s co-operation, it is important that he be there with you when you visit the doctor.

Keeping your issue quiet will result in misunderstanding between you and your husband that may jeopardise your relationship. It may be uncomfortable to talk about. However, remaining mum will eventually produce a lot of unnecessary tension and fear. Sharing your feelings freely with your husband and doctor will help you arrive at a decision that works for both of you.

Your conscience will remain intact and your husband will have a greater understanding about the situation. Ultimately the choice is yours to make, but make it after involving all concerned parties. 

Common counsel

Private matter

The relationship between a man and his wife is a private matter and should stay that way. The church comes up with rules and regulations that do not consider how things work in society today. If you have a discordant couple, does the church recommend that condoms not be used even if it means infecting your partner with HIV?

If a husband is abusive are there no grounds for divorce in the church? You must weigh what is most important and decide accordingly. How will the church help you if you conceive again and die in the process? This is why many people are turning away from the church because it no longer provides answers for life today. Some things are not even debatable. Just do what is practical and in your case you need to use birth control.

Solomon Kiema

Seek guidance

If you continue to deny your husband his conjugal rights then you have failed your marriage. Talk with your pastor or father and explain your predicament and see what they say. In a special case like yours may be the rules can be bent to accommodate your situation. The church represents God and I do not believe that God is so unreasonable that He would condemn you for trying to fulfil your duties as a wife. Having a heart that wants to serve God and humanity is what is important in the eyes of our Creator.

Josephine, 49

Herbal remedy

There are herbal remedies that can be used to help with family planning. Many women have turned to using them because they have fewer side effects than hormonal contraceptives. From ancient days the use of anti-fertility herbs has been done to help in family planning. Even the commonly used mwarubaini has been found to be useful in family planning. Consult the older generation and they will advise you well.

Belinda Nangwe

Creative solution

Creativity in the bedroom is what can help solve your problem. It is not only penetration that leads to sexual satisfaction. There are other ways to please your husband without putting yourself at risk of getting pregnant. This will mean however that you must be in tune with your own body and know when you are ovulating and when you are not fertile during the month.

Selina N.

Don’t act according to duty

Whatever you do, do not put your life at risk. Life is a precious gift from God. Take into consideration what your doctor prescribed for you. Avoid acting according to duty, as you will suffer when you try to be true to your faith by not using contraceptives. Share your concerns with your husband. It is not okay to deny him sex.

Allan Jaketch

Which do you value most?

Henrietta, practise the safe period method of family planning. However, realise that it is not foolproof as there is the risk of pregnancy. You can also opt to forfeit your faith and use contraceptives. Your marriage should be more important than church rules. You do not want to lose your family. Husband, health or church beliefs: which do you value most? The decision is yours.

Onyango Outha

Next week’s question

My neighbour regularly beats her young son and daughter. I fear for their safety. Being a man, I find it difficult to intervene, but the children’s screams are getting out of hand. She is a single mother with a short temper. Her children come to play with my children and they have noticed that things are different in my home. Sometimes I feel like going to the rescue of the children but I do not want to be considered a nosy neighbour. What can I do to help these children?

Kiarie, Murang’a