What to talk about during first-time intimacy

What to talk about during first-time intimacy (Photo: iStock)

Being ready for first-time intimacy is more about emotional preparation than mere physical attraction, according to consultant psychologist James Bosse. He suggests that while you might feel a strong draw towards someone, that doesn't necessarily mean you are emotionally equipped for intimacy just yet.

True emotional readiness, he notes, begins with honest self-reflection. Before taking that step for the first time, individuals ought to ask themselves if they truly feel safe, respected and genuinely connected to their partner.

“If you don’t feel emotionally or physically safe around someone, intimacy will likely create confusion rather than closeness,” he explains.

He also suggests that partners need to converse about the intention of being intimate. He says that when people don’t talk about intentions, misunderstandings could crop up.

According to James, discussing expectations early helps both partners decide whether they are aligned and ready to move forward. These conversations, he adds, should be calm and inclusive.

“Using ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ creates a sense of shared responsibility. Many people enter relationships focused on what they want to gain, but intimacy works best when both partners consider what they are offering,” he explains.

Boundaries are also important to discuss before intimacy since they protect emotional wellbeing while allowing each other to maintain autonomy.  

Having clear communication from the beginning helps prevent resentment later, he says. Consent, he adds, involves continuous checking in and respecting a partner’s comfort level at every stage. And if one person feels they need to end an intimate moment, it should be respected. He says some people feel joy and closeness after first-time intimacy, while others experience guilt or vulnerability.

“Some people become intimate after a week, others after months. The timeline matters less than whether both people feel grounded,” he says.

First-time intimate moments can also come with awkwardness, which James says can be overcome if couples get through it using humour.

Preparation also includes discussing what happens after intimacy, such as emotional check-ins, protection, STI testing, and potential outcomes.

“These conversations reduce anxiety and build trust. They help partners understand where they stand mentally and emotionally,” he says.

James advises patience, stating that beautiful things take time, and to avoid situations of pressure, guilt-tripping, and boundary violations.