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Chang’aa drinkers’ wish list as Obama visits

ARTS & CULTURE
By Maftah Yusuf | July 18th 2015

Now that comrades at the University of Nairobi have issued an ultimatum on the visit by US President Barack Obama later this month, I suppose the rest of us had better look busy. Obama is coming. Our high unemployment index must not show.

Prohibition against hanging linen for visitors to see must always be adhered to especially if the visitor is bearing condolences for the late Mzee Ojwang.

Our cousin Obama must be the one who advised the Brits to lift their advisory against the country ahead of his visit as his advance gift to the country. And to demonstrate the safety of Kenya, the man is touching down himself in all his majestic splendor as President of the United States of America. #nahaturingi

Intel suggests we have many groups lining up to petition the US President. The proof of the pudding, however, is in the eating. The US prezzy might not afford the time to process the long queue lining up to see him.

Addicts of second-generation alcohol aka liquid manure aka biofuels will of course be disappointed. They will be singing “Haki Yetu” Long after Obama has left

The LGBT community and their opponents will of course demand that Obama orders Uhuru to amend man and ‘wife’ into spouses to describe a legally married couple in the constitution.

Michelle thinks as long as two people love each other, they should be given a chance. “If two women decide they do not need men in their lives, it should not be construed to mean they are criminals, as long as they do not break the law,” she told me.

Later that evening, I sneaked into Mama Fatuma’s where they serve nothing but first generation mnazi okayed by Kebs.

They were throwing a party because Obeezy was finally on his way. “Atauliza Uhuru regarding the Late Ojwang Hatari,” a patron will reveal.

“And exactly what was the President supposed to do. He watched Vitimbi episodes, didn’t he?” a Jubilee supporter will say, taking sides with the President. “Even Obama enjoyed the programme the three times he visited the country, and that is why he will be mad at Uhuru for refusing to confer the comedian Order of the Golden Heart.

“Sonko atapatiwa greencard as he is the only one who cared. His team took Mzee Ojwang to hospital, paid the charges while the rest of you were bidding for National Youth Service tenders,” Ochuodho will declare.

And yet again, without provocation, CORD and Jubilee factions in the house will tear at each other just like they do in Moi University especially during election time.

Then someone who has been watching news mentioned El Chapo. The great Mexican Prison break superhero. But of course, patrons at Mama Fatuma should be forgiven for thinking Mexico is a state within the US of A

“Should we not ask Obama to turn El Chapo loose in the streets of Nairobi,” someone suggested.

“We would take him to Kamiti where prison guards eat nails for breakfast,” a former inmate will suggest.

“El Chapo would be raped before being forced to work for the mobile fraud industry whose headquarters is at Kamiti.

Imagine the drug Lord sending you a text reading that he is no more El Chapo but Safaricom. “I am happy to announce that you are the winner of our ‘Pepea na Safaricom’ promo. “Send 20k to claim your Taco and cheese,” El Chapo will say.

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