Sexting: Why sending nudes is such a raw deal

The naked human form is something that has held our interest for centuries. From cavemen sketching stick figures on walls, to Greek sculptors spending hours carving out realistic marble gonads on statues, we have always loved beholding a nice set.

When technology fell into our hands, then, it was only natural that we started sending photos and then videos of our bits to each other.

“What are you wearing?” is a text many of us have either sent or received, probably followed by a lineup of lewd emojis.

Sexting, as it is called, is an art form. It involves much more than simply capturing your nethers and forwarding them to someone else with the intention of arousing them, or at least perking them up during a boring meeting at work. In its purest form, sending nudes is an expression of sexuality.

“I take a lot of photos of myself,” says Phillis Mukami, a make-up artist and aspiring model. “I sometimes have so many variations of the same photo in my gallery that my friends make fun of me. And yes, some of the photos are nudes. It’s not because I’m sending them to anyone. I love my body, the way I look. I'll take those photos for myself.”

For Patricia Sango, a multimedia student, sending nudes is the part of being in a relationship she has had to learn to accept.

“It’s normal these days. I’m in a relationship, we send each other intimate photos all the time. But even before, when I was dating, guys would either ask to see my nudes or send me theirs expecting to get something in return. In the dating world today, nudes are not a big deal.”

It is easy to forget how recent our comfort with nudity is.

Derrick Amunga is a self-proclaimed senior bachelor. A proud one, and a long-suffering one. He is not too far removed from his father’s generation, when men and women first saw each other nude on the wedding night.

“I remember when mail was the only viable option for communicating with your girlfriend. Even arranging dates was a problem, because there were no phones, so you had to agree during your date when the next one would be.”

Just what did couples do, on those stolen dates?

“We walked. We had picnics. The ladies dressed very conservatively, there was no notion of physical contact, not until the relationship had progressed significantly. And even then, it was lucky to even get a glimpse of an ankle. Young men today don’t know how lucky they are these days, with all the eye-candy they have ready access to.”

Like those young men, social media and dating apps have turned Amunga into a kid in a candy shop.

“Even without asking for nudes, the women on social media and dating apps are so carefree, they dress so skimpily, there is nothing left to the imagination anymore. I’ve dealt with several who even offer to sell those nudes.”

It’s true that we have gotten a lot more comfortable with nudity. It is also true that social media has changed the way we interact with nudity, and, as a result, with the opposite sex.

“Technology has changed how we relate as men and women,” explains Kendi Ashitiva, a Psychologist with Niskize Counselling. “It has changed the way we express physical interest, sexual interest and romantic interest. It’s changed how we woo each other, too,” she says.

The body, according to Kendi, is a crucial part of a relationship. Just as physical touch is one of the love languages. And yet it is increasingly possible for relationships to happen without that aspect.

“People can now know each other online for so long before they get to meet physically. And when people date for long online before meeting physically, the relationship tends to progress online as it would physically.

While there would be no handholding, for example, there would be other expressions of sexual interest or affection. In the same way that if they were meeting in person, and depending on individual values, there would be nudity at some point, people similarly exchange nudity online as a form of sexual expression.”

“We send nudes because we want to arouse,” says Moses Mutua, a Sociologist and Lecturer at Moi University.

“But there is an aspect of empowerment for women, who share nudes more than men do. It’s a way for her to explore her sexuality and to feel confident in her body. A woman who is not confident in her body will not send you nudes. If she knows she is ‘blessed’, she will send you nudes even without you asking.”

Still, sending nudes is risky business, as we have been reminded time and time again. Celebrities have seen their careers go off the rails due to misplaced nudes. Politicians have been embarrassed by the same. Sending your lover a pick-me-up on a boring Monday may seem like a no-brainer in the age of the internet, but there is always a risk.

“When you have sex with someone in private, no one has to know about it,” Kendi adds. “You did it and left; the only way someone can weaponize it is by sharing stories, of which there is no proof.

“The problem with nudes is that what should have remained private is now subject to the mercy of the other person. The online space doesn’t guarantee you the privacy that the physical space does.”

We are all aware of the ‘Bro Ocholla’ moments that have become an annual occurrence. The ‘Baba Gloria’ moments, when a photo or message is sent to the wrong recipient, or in the case of the latter, to a WhatsApp group planning a funeral.

It’s a mistake anyone can make. And one which, unfortunately, is incredibly hard to live down.

As Kendi puts it: “It’s a stain you’re going to have to learn to live with. You don’t have to die with it; remember, you just have to live with it. In time, people will learn to live with it as well. But it’s not funny, it’s not easy, and it’s not something I would want for anyone.”

Is it worth it, then, sharing intimate photos in a world where anyone can intercept your passwords or hack your phone?

“It shouldn’t be an issue; you’re allowed to send something ratchet to your partner.

“But while nudity has its place in an intimate relationship between two people, you should always have it in the back of your mind that this thing may get out of the perimeter of the two of you.

“It’s a private moment, and the minute it stops being a private moment, disaster happens. It’s like walking naked.”

At the end of the day, Kendi cautions, there is more to a relationship than nudes.

“A relationship is about commitment, love, care, concern. Not just sex.”

“The meeting of genitalia is not a complex process. Anyone can give you the dopamine from sex. But if you want a real relationship, you need to go deeper.

“You need to actually connect with someone. The sex should then be an extension of your existing connection,” she says.