If he resuses to introduce you to his friends, dump him

Watching a man introduce the woman he has been seen with is not funny. They almost always get fidgety, looking left and right as if they are about to attempt a sprint across Mombasa Road in the zooming chaos of traffic. And then they giggle because the woman is already upset that they had to think about it, before admitting, reluctantly, that this is the person they have been shacking up with.

“This is Mama Kamau,” they will say. Or “Mama nyumba.” A sneaky technique, because it acknowledges the shared roof, even conceding the throne of rulership to the fair lady. It is her house, you are admitting to the world, hoping they can read between the lines that you are in captivity. Maybe if you blink in Morse code, someone will see that you are crying out for a saviour. But for the moment, your liege is happy with the title. Of course, it is her house. You don’t even know where the detergent is.