Underwear should be decent and discreet, no mtumba please!

Last week, I came across some story about used mitumba underwear. According to the story, the sale of mitumba underwear is illegal - but based on what I see in my hood the trade in mitumba undergarments is alive and kicking. It is a bit traumatic and disturbing to imagine wearing someone else’s undergarments (especially those that shield lower parts of the anatomy).

However, stretched wallets can lead one to override the fear that comes with wearing someone else’s underwear. The story had me thinking about the issue of underwear in this part of the world.

Many people assume that all matters underwear should not be discussed and should be kept underwraps - but based on my observations, we are committing major underwear crimes that go beyond buying used mitumba underwear.

One of the most peculiar habits we see when it comes to underwear purchase - is the issue of size. Most people operate as if they are clueless about the exact measurements of their critical body parts.

Women are particularly notorious when it comes to purchasing bras - some behave as if they are not conversant with things like cup size, thorax acreage and droop factor. For those who choose  a size lower, the results are usually very disturbing - for we all get to see poor mammaries squashed into helpless sausage-like structures.

On many occasions, these poor body parts appear to be sending out a cry for help out of the  undersized contraptions their owners have  put them in. Then you have those women who do not recognise that the sheer size of their endowments demand better support to eliminate funny jiggles and droops.

It is distressing to be in the presence of an articulate, well dressed woman only to be distracted by the sight of her boobs heading down to the centre of the earth - just because she has chosen to wear the wrong bra. All women need all the blessings and limitations of their chests by wearing the right bra size - anything else is a violation of other peoples’ aesthetic rights.

There are many people who like to challenge the view that undergarments are supposed to remain under and hidden from plain sight. These people come in all shapes and sizes, starting with the women who like to ensure that we see how well (or how badly) their thong sits in the rift valley of their bottoms. What they do not know is that the sight of a string or thong wedged in between a derriere no matter how beautiful its owner can be quite a turn off.  It is perfectly acceptable to give the object of your desire a visual sample of the goodies to come - but I see no reason why the whole world should be privy to what should be a private show.

Many of us can somehow tolerate the sight of female underwear, but the unwanted sighting of male underwear is downright gross.

Most male underwear is functional and lacks the lace and frilly sexiness of female underwear. Therefore, there is no compelling reason for men to allow their trousers to sag all the way to the knees in the hope that some women will go giddy with desire at the sight of undies.

The only people who have accepted as needed to show us their underwear is hip hop stars and only because they  are paid tonnes of money to do so, plus most of them have abs so good that they make us forget what their bottoms look like.

So men who do not fall in this category should keep their garments completely hidden from public eyes. I would be doing a disservice to this country if I did not talk about biker shorts, the most annoying piece of female underwear we have seen this part of the world.

For those who are not in the know, biker shorts have become a staple of Kenyan female underwear. I am reliably told that biker shorts are intended to shrink girths, make panty lines disappear and generally make women appear more curvaceous. In many instances, women choose the wrong sizes (always a size lower) in the hope that the biker shorts will mysteriously make them lose weight.

The end result is that all the shortfalls of the women’s bodies become accentuated - especially the fat and cellulite. Some women do not understand that certain fabrics do not respond well to certain biker materials. So when the fabric of their dresses meets the fabric of the biker shorts - it ends up being total pandemonium - a really ghastly site.

Who in the world can help us understand why some women insist on letting the whole world know the colour and length of their biker shorts.

This is even before we get to the fact that biker shorts are the quickest and most effective libido killers on the planet. They not only make women’s bodies look bad, they make women’s pleasurable bits completely inaccessible, never mind the stifling conditions the poor bits must endure when held hostage by the biker shorts brigade.

For men and women alike, let us remember that undergarments should not be a subject of discussion for the masses - keep them decent and discreet. [email protected]

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