What is your best marriage advice?

Couples with over a decade in happy marriages share with VIVIANNE WANDERA the secrets behind their seemingly successful unions.

1. Moses Mogeni and Faith Wanjiku. Married for 12 years

"Give each other freedom"

For all those years that my wife and I have been together, I have never forced her not to do the things that she enjoys doing. She has the freedom to go where she wants without me following her around and questioning her whereabouts.

"Help each other do chores"

We do house chores together; cooking, cleaning dishes and bathing our babies. And now our sons love helping out with chores in the house.

"Foster independence"

My wife has financial freedom and doesn’t have to look at my pockets every now and then when she wants to get herself something, and we both chip in on our family expenses.

"We are partners in every sense"

My wife is my partner. We have a partnership and not ownership where I treat her like she is my property. Respect has been one of the biggest basis of our marriage. Understanding both our roles in the marriage. We value our extended family but have never let them come between us.

We have had some cultural strains along the way but we always found a civil way to take care of the issues and find common ground for everyone involved. We appreciate each other irrespective of our different situations and above all, we love each other and we have always put God first in everything we do.

"Don't argue when angry"

We avoid heated arguments where things that cannot be taken back are said and instead we talk when we have both calmed down.

2. Tilomai Ponder Blyth and Cris Blyth. Married for 13 years

"Don't change into new beings after marriage"

The single most important thing to keeping a relationship exciting is to keep doing the things that you did when you were dating. For us, it was staying up late, watching movies, discovering new places to enjoy and making time to be with family and friends.

We still do this. Cris and I met while working at a leading visual effects company in Los Angeles called Digital Domain, where I had just been recruited to launch a broadcast marketing department and Cris was a fast rising visual effects director. It was definitely not love at first sight.

He struck me as being a brash, hot headed creative with a Scottish accent and he claims I came across as bossy and 'large and in charge.' Well, nothing has changed.

"Accept each other's differences"

The individual traits that we initially found off putting, have become the very attributes we admire most about the other.

" Create your own life hacks"

We have three:

1. We are never allowed to have a bad day on the same day- each intuitively picks up the other when things get rough.

2. Give each other space to think or do nothing at all.

3. Wine and chocolate should flow freely as needed.

3. Mike and Joyce Gathigi. Married for 19 years

"Don't let anger fester"

When you are married to the right person, marriage is an enjoyable journey. Find an effective conflict resolution system that works for you, do not let the sun go down with your wrath.

"Speak your partners language"

Discover the language of love for your partner and speak it, a need remains a need until its met. Until you love your partner in their language, they remain in need of that love from you.

"Cover each other's nakedness"

Resolve your differences in private. Remember that the relationship is between the two of you and anyone else comes after. Protect each other in public.

4. Samuel and Mildred Mbogo. Married for 13 years

" Never go to bed angry"

We have had differences since the two of us have different temperaments but there is no single night that we go to bed angry at each other.

" Don't compare your marriage to another"

Women, stop comparing your husband with other men. If they were better than him, you should have married them in the first place. Assure him of his place in your heart. Men should also do he same to their wives.

It is when you realise that your marriage cannot work like your friend’s , your neighbour’s, your parents’ etc that you will begin to enjoy the fullness of happiness in marriage.

Be reminded that your partner is unique and he or she came into this marriage with this special nature to compliment your relationship. No marriage works like the other.

"No secrets"

We have a policy of not keeping secrets from each other. Everything can be discussed; the issue is how you do it. The timing on when to say it is also a factor.

"Touch each other. A lot"

Remain intimate as much as possible. A touch could mean a lot to a depressed mind. Give each other hugs for a goodbye or welcome back or just any act of intimacy that brings those feelings alive.

"Pray"

Do not forget to pray for your marriage regardless of your religious affiliation. I believe there is a divine power that holds marriages together.

5. David and Truphie Sumba. Married for 17 years

"Be friends, no matter what"

When we got married we made a commitment to be friends for life. We had better be friends because marriage is a life time commitment that has its great and bleak moments.

" Play up each other's strengths"

We are not meant to be identical but complementary, meaning we each have strengths and weaknesses and should therefore complement each other to make a formidable couple. Bring your strengths to the table, meaning that none of us dominates the other, but rather the situation determines which strength shows up.

"Practice forgiveness"

Marriage is the one place where thorns and being pricked is common and hurts the most. However, my spouse is not my enemy and all our irreconcilable differences can be reconciled, only if we each truly forgive and love each other. You become a better person and spouse as you forgive, for everyone needs forgiveness.

"Have fun together"

Delight each other, never tire in having fun, enjoying each other company, laughing and learning how to improve your marriage. We still attend marriage seminars and go on dates. Cultivate it together and you will love it!

WHY ARE MORE MARRIAGES FAILING AMONG THE EDUCATED? A THERAPIST'S TAKE

Marriages have been getting a bad rap lately giving the illusion that they are plagued with boundless problems. Chris Hart, a counselling psychotherapist, explains how to get that awe-inspiring beautiful marriage.

SUNDAY: Is it just me, or is the idea of marriage falling apart these days?
Chris Hart: Marriage is definitely under pressure nowadays, particularly among graduates. Like right now, career oriented individuals - especially women - are often still single into their late 30s. And many will probably never marry, or have children.
They say that's because modern marriage is so hard, and divorce so common. But a good marriage is still the best thing that ever happens to you. Successful couples are far happier that any other group in society. So the real question is why are some marriages so much better than others.

So what does psychology say are the fundamentals of a happy marriage?
A happy marriage is basically all about attitudes. Because happy couples have very different attitudes to those that are unhappy. Like successful couples have figured out that getting married means a fundamental shift in your viewpoint. From a single's 'Me' to a couple's 'We.'

Relationships only go well if you're willing to merge your whole life enthusiastically with your partner's.

So, for example, my experience is that happy couples are always completely open and honest with each other, and share every aspect of their lives.

While couples who're always hiding something from one another, are never truly happy. Good couples communicate well and think like team players. They can truly be themselves with each other, and constantly share everything about each other's lives, jobs, schedules, problems and goals.

Aren't there some things you need to keep private?
Yes it is difficult! Most people aren't honest with anyone at all. Not their friends, their parents, colleagues or children.

And often for very good reasons! But the one person you can be honest with is your spouse - and it's a wonderful feeling having someone like that in your life.

So make sure you choose the right one! Don't even think of marrying someone who's secretive about their time or money. Or their friends. Or who won't talk about their emotions. They won't change, and your marriage will never truly be happy.
Couples also need to learn to share their thoughts without criticising, or giving each other a hard time. Or telling anyone else. Because if you know you're likely to get your head bitten off, or worry that your partner might gossip, then you'll start editing what you tell them. And so the seeds of distrust begin to grow.

But what about being independent? That sounds like you can't have a life of your own once you're married!
The idea that you need to be completely independent and autonomous is a real problem in modern marriage. It's come about because we're now spending more of our lives living on our own.

And so we get used to doing whatever we want without reference to anyone else. No one ever thought like that in the past, and it creates lots of problems in marriage.

Successful couples create a new balance. Their lives are completely shared, but they also do their own thing. They still have their own friends and interests. And spend time alone. But none of it's secret. You know each other's friends. And how you're spending your time.
But that still doesn't mean sharing every thought that passes through your mind. Like most couples keep their thoughts about their mother-in-law's cooking to themselves!

But what about people who insist on doing their own thing financially?
That's a deal breaker, in my opinion. So if financially independence is that important to you, then you shouldn't marry. Because to be happily married, you need to be comfortable running your finances together.

That means managing your incomes, expenses, savings and investments as if you were the director of a small organisation. Which is what you are - Mr and Mrs Ltd!
In my experience, nothing but unhappiness comes from keeping financial secrets in a modern marriage.

Though many couples do agree small private allowances for each other, so what she spends on shoes is her business, for example, or what he spends on drinks for his mates. But all the bills, investments and so on are managed together.

Are there any other deal breakers like that?
Oh yes! Bad sex can be a deal breaker, because good sex - lots of it - is the best cement there is for holding relationships together. So make it work for you and not someone else!

Few couples realise just how important sex is to a happy relationship. So they don't make enough time for intimacy. While the best couples always have that little spark going between them.
Not having clearly agreed goals is another deal breaker. Like when to start a family. Or whether to go back to school.

Not putting each other first's another.
Because your relationship must come first in your priorities, before work, friends, parents, your wider family, even your children. Happy couples also need to spend a lot of time together.

Doing chores together, eating together and preparing for bed. Some of that time they need to be alone together, so they can talk over important matters. They also schedule longer times a for themselves. Nothing expensive - maybe just a day when the kids go to see grandma. But that time alone gives them the chance to unwind and reconnect.