Ballistic fathers-in-law

Kenyans remain very prudish and traditional in their outlook on many aspects of life. Thus, though we are no apartheid state, Kenyan fathers-in-law are something of a mystery to their children-in-law, writes Patrick Kariuki.

Dr Mwizenge Tembo, a Zambian Sociology professor at Bridgewater College, Virginia, accuses Western scholars of bias when they describe the African family. On his web page www.bridgewater.edu/mtembo, he points out that, some of these scholars have written that Bagandan mothers are not as affectionate as American mothers because Bagandan mothers apparently don‘t kiss their babies.

One must agree with the good professor. Such a claim is obviously balderdash. Kissing is not an American invention. There is no mother in the world who does not kiss her baby.

But when the same scholars speak of "institutionalised restrictions" and "segregated relationships" in the African family, one must look the devil in the eye and say this is so. Among the Gusii, for example, a daughter-in-law must not come too close to her father-in-law (she cannot even cook a meal for him).

Whether this is an African cultural idiosyncrasy, however, or a matter of socio-economic development, is a matter for another article.

Segregated relationships (for example, the practice of separating boys from girls, men from women, black from white) still exist in many traditional societies. Let‘s face it, despite our new Constitution, our fancy plasma TVs and mobile phones, which can call other planets at slashed calling rates, Kenyans remain very prudish and traditional in their outlook on many aspects of life.

They are, by and large, something of a background figure, held in awe and sometimes fear.

The Rabbis of Israel say any disrespect to in-laws is a prophetic sign that heralds the coming of the Messiah. In Kenya, those Rabbis would probably find they are preaching to the choir. Kenyan fathers-in-law seem, for the most part, to enjoy very high status.

This is especially so if the said father holds a respected position in society or has economic success and more so, if, his sons and sons-in-law are yet to find such success in their own lives. Depending on the kind of man he is, there is potentially no limit to his influence.

Joanne Warui has nothing but praise for her father-in-law, a retired banker. His influence over her imagination is evident in the openly admiring, almost reverential tone she adopts when speaking of him.

It is impossible to get anything out of her, except words of praise. She describes her father-in-law as a very religious, take charge kind of man, for whom family is the most important thing, after God.

"After his son proposed to me, he showed up at my parent’s house and declared that his son has an interest in their daughter", she says. "He has always been like that," adds Joanne, "always getting directly involved in matters to do with the welfare of his offspring".

She says that from day one, he treated her as if she was his first-born daughter, because as the wife to his first-born son, that is what she was to him. What this meant for Joanne is that there was no special treatment for her.

During those inevitable family gatherings, if her mother-in-law was not around, Joanne was in charge of cooking and so on. "And why was this so great?" I asked her, my alarm bells poised to go off.

"Because it made me feel at home, " she says. "Instead of getting pushed around I was the one in charge of everything and was intimately involved with decision making," she clarifies. In other words, she had received total acceptance.

That had probably something to do with the fact that she grew up attending the same church where he is an elder. He had known her for many years, and probably heartily approved of his new daughter-in-law.

But what about when the family patriarch does not approve of you, the bride-to-be?

Jessica Okiri* is one such unfortunate lady. Her father-in-law, a well to do business man was against her marriage to his son from the word go.

"I once overheard a heated argument between him and his son. I heard him tell his son that I was a village girl and would embarrass the family," she says bitterly.

Jessica is from a less endowed family and, to make matters worse, a different tribe. She only managed to attain a diploma from College compared to her husband who has a masters degree.

"When my husband and I moved in together against his father’s consent, he was sacked from the family business," she says.

During this rough period, it was Jessica’s meager salary as a secretary in a real estate firm that sustained them. It was a race against time for them both, because Jessica was in the final stages of her pregnancy (the reason they moved in together) and would soon be unable to work.

During the entire period, the father (a heavy drinker) regularly called his son at late hours to sarcastically enquire how his new ‘family’ was doing and whether they needed any money. The harassment escalated such that, the young man had no option but to change his number.

Out there in the deep country-side, where the darkest ancient traditions still persist, young wives who have suddenly found themselves widowed after the loss of their husbands have suffered grim treatment at the hands of their fathers-in-laws.

Three years ago, Jane’s* husband died of HIV/Aids and left her infected and with two small children. According to Human Rights Watch, her father-in-law moved swiftly to strip her of everything she had.

He convened a family meeting where he ordered her to have sex with another man as part of a cleansing ritual, despite her condition. He also repossessed her land and livestock and allocated it to one of his sons, without any regard for Jane’s children or any compensation.

When she refused to have sex with the man, the animosity towards her was such that she had to escape to Nairobi, where she now lives in the slums, in abject poverty with her two children, waiting for the day she will die from her illness. Everyday, she cries for her children.

Not all fathers-in-law are self serving monsters, though. Charles Mugo*, a young executive in the city, recalls the day he took his girlfriend and potential wife out for a drink. Unfortunately, he had too much to drink and ended up hitting a police Landcruiser.

Needless to say, they were both locked up at Central Police Station. But, it is the young lady’s father who they called to bail them out of jail as his own relatives were unavailable.

Some fathers would have gotten their daughters out and left the young man in jail (I certainly would have done that) but this gentleman graciously negotiated with the policemen to have both of them released. The mission accomplished, he left after ensuring Mugo had recovered his car.

Mugo should be careful not to think the matter is finished, however. It is highly probable that the matter will be revisited during dowry negotiations and probably factored in to the final bride-price, at an inflated rate.