Tainted love

By Shirley Genga

Early last year when news broke that 19-year-old singer Chris Brown had been arrested for domestic violence and battery against his then girlfriend, 20-year-old singer Rihanna, it caused shockwaves. Many wondered how a young couple barely in their 20s could be involved in domestic violence.

According to clinical psychologist Marion Keinamma, we tend to think of domestic abuse as physical violence or assault on a wife alone. In reality, domestic abuse is the summary of physically, sexually and psychologically abusive behaviours directed by one partner against another, regardless of their marital status, gender, race or physical attractiveness. Abuse is basically about dominating and controlling one’s partner.

Rihanna later opened up about the incident to Glamour magazine saying. "Domestic violence is a big secret. No kid goes around and lets people know their parents fight. Teenage girls can’t tell their parents that their boyfriend beat them up. You don’t dare let your neighbour know that you fight. It’s one of the things we (women) will hide, because it’s embarrassing. My story was broadcast all over the world for people to see, and they have followed every step of my recovery." She added that she wants to give as much insight as she can to young women, "I feel like I represent a voice that really isn’t heard. Now I can help speak for those women." She says.

In 2009, the Kenya Demographic Health survey revealed that 39 percent of women between the ages of 15-49 had been physically violated by their husbands or partners. Currently, Kenya does not have a specific law on domestic violence, the offence is normally charged as assault at the behest of law enforcement.

"He called me a slut, then he hit me"

Jackie* a fourth year law student at a local campus says that she has been in a physically abusive relationship and would not wish it on her worst enemy.

"When we began to date, he was very charming, romantic and attentive. And although he was very loving, he kind of isolated me and wanted to spend every minute by my side, even after class he would be outside waiting for me. We would spend every free time together, eat lunch together, read together, basically do everything together. Although I noticed that he was a little jealous and did not like me talking to other guys, I was not worried. At the time I naÔvely believed that he loved me so much he could not stand being away from me." One Friday, a month after they had begun dating, Jackie went out with her girlfriends for their usual monthly girl’s night out and did not spend the night in his room like she usually did. The next day when she came over, he hit her and called her a slut," she says

Although Jackie knew that what he had done was wrong; she assumed it was a one-time thing. He apologised and begged her not to leave. But he continued to hit her, and then proceed to beg for forgiveness, promising never to do it again.

"It was so embarrassing, because it’s not like campus hostels have thick walls. Everyone knew, so I withdrew from my friends.

"I used to be a go-getter but I become very quiet and withdrawn at least that’s what my friends tell me. I’m glad that my best friends refused to let go. They constantly hounded me, telling me to leave him but I stayed with him for about a year. The day he hit me in front of everyone, because some guy would not leave me alone while we were out for a drink, something in me snapped. Everyone was looking at me with pity, and for the first time I saw myself through their eyes, that night I broke off the relationship," says Jackie.

Psychologist’s take

Clinical psychologist Marion Keinamma states that when a person is involved in a violent type of relationship friends have a duty to try and help.

"You cannot get out of an abusive relationship on your own. You need people who are honest and who can help you realise that you need to get out. Abusers are very charming until they are confident that they have their prey under their thumbs. In fact, in most cases, they will have a double personality, this will often confuse the victim and make it harder for someone to leave, that is why you need good friends around you," she says.

"I do not have the strength to walk away"

When Cassandra* a second year B-com student first met her boyfriend she did not know what she was getting herself into. She tells us her story:

"He was handsome, smart and had a kind, welcoming smile. He was not only the hottest boy in class but he also had his own car and apartment in Kileleshwa and when he showed interest in me, I could not resist.

We dated for a month before we slept together and he told me he loved me. That was when the verbal abuse begun. He would be mean to me, tell me that I was fat and worthless, that he did not even know why he was with me. He would humiliate me in public, make demeaning comments about me in front of friends and belittle me as much as possible, it was like the smaller he made me feel, the bigger he was.

When my friends would plead and tell me that it was not how a man should treat the girl he loves, I would defend him. After two months, I moved in with him and soon the insults evolved into beatings, followed by apologies.

After he hit me, he would kiss me and apologise, and I’d forgive him. I thought he would get better but nothing happened; he got worse and started bringing women over, when he knew I was around.

Humiliated I left but I went back and I’m still with him, I do not know why but I just can’t leave him, it does not matter what he does, I do not have the strength to walk away."

Psychologist’s take

"It’s all about power and control. The more worthless they make you feel, the easier it is for them to control you. When you have been in a relationship where you are constantly made to feel worthless, you slowly begin to think that maybe you are worthless. This means even when you are physically abused you begin to feel like you deserved it. Self esteem is what protects a person from enduring the humiliation that comes with abuse but once that is out of the way, the victim begins to believe that they are so worthless and that the abuser is the only person who can love them, thus they find it hard to leave," says

Kienamma

Keinamma believes that the reason more and more young people are finding themselves in such situations is because they lack self-esteem and self-awareness and, unless you work on boosting your self-worth, you are very vulnerable. Although some abusers are only emotional abusers, a lot of times physical abuse often begins with emotional abuse before escalating to maiming or death.

*names have been changed.