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My wife's never in the mood for sex

By | Published Sat, November 6th 2010 at 00:00, Updated Sat, November 6th 2010 at 00:00 GMT +3

I am a 32-year-old man and I have been married for the last nine years. My wife is the perfect woman that any man would want. She looks good, cooks well and knows how to take care of the home. However, the problem is in the bedroom. She is just never in the mood for sex. I feel this is a big threat to our marriage. I have talked to her several times in vain. One day, I suggested to her to allow me to marry another wife but she would not hear of it. I am still a young man and I feel that this is too much for me. What do I do?

Your take:

There is no cause for concern since this declining female libido can actually be scientifically explained. To keep her interested, you should find ways to make sex enjoyable.

{Dika Abdi}

Considering that your wife performs all her other household duties to your satisfaction which probably exhausts her, it would not be wise for you to spend too much time looking for another wife just because your current wife has denied you sex.

Train her to understand your sexual expectations. Remember a bird in hand is worth two in the bush.

{Moses Munyao}

Sex is not about the ‘thing’ rather it is an activity of the brain. Try and prepare her well to get her mind tuned to sex and the rest will follow. If this fails, visit a sexologist together.

{Kuria Buchifi}

Marriage and sex go hand in hand, so issues such as depression, anxiety, past experience or psychological trauma are some of the causes. Encourage her to open up to you on why she is never in the mood.

{Kamau Beka}

She may be hiding something from you. Try to talk to her once more and tell her to set her priorities right in marriage. If this fails again, find yourself another wife who is all rounded.


Sex is the major bond in any marriage. It could be that you don’t satisfy her in a way she desires. Warn her that if this continues you may be tempted to go outside, which will be a danger to your marriage.

{Mutai K Nicholas}

Maybe you are the one who puts her off — assess yourself. It could also be a medical condition, visit a doctor to have it sorted. Or maybe she could be getting the sex from somewhere else.

{Tasma Charles}

You may be the problem. Once a woman starts feeling not loved and appreciated and rather feels like a sex tool she begins to let go slowly. Love is all about adding ingredients to make it sweet. So if you don’t treat her right and make her not feel special, somebody else will or could be doing that.

{Hellen Achiando}

My take:

You are getting what is due to you my friend; that’s what you get for marrying a trophy wife; yes, (the kind every man wants).

The trouble with these women is that they have been told they are beautiful, have been made to feel beautiful and they hear the same thing over and over again.

This gets to their ‘beautiful’ heads and when you marry one, you realise why every man wants to have such but only the very strong at heart actually consider marrying them.

At some point she starts feeling good — like she is too good for you and this escalates to her making you feel like she did you a favour by marrying her. You’ll take all the crap she throws at you because she is to die for.

She is never in the mood:

This is not an isolated case. Women are configured differently from men. A man may ‘always be in the mood’. Sometimes, for a woman, sex is the last thing she wants.

It is primarily controlled by their hormones. But for some strange reason, sometimes they just don’t feel like it — that is generally acceptable.

However, find out why she is never in the mood. It could be a psychological issue, for instance past traumatic sexual experiences or she has a wrong attitude about sex or you could be reading her all wrong.

Typically a ‘no, or I’m not in the mood’ from a wife should not be accepted at face value. This could mean that she’s not aroused at the time. You see, women fantasise about how exciting it would be if they were showered with love and treated like queens — sometimes they get this from novels or those Mexican soaps.

They interpret these gestures as indicators of love, which actually turns them on ‘or in the mood’ if you prefer. It could be that you are not doing enough of these rituals, which always get you lucky.

Many times a ‘no’ from your wife can be an expression of ‘give me a good reason why I should do it’, or ‘convince me’.

If you take it at face value, you lose out but if you look at it as a challenge you will most likely hit the jackpot. In such cases, surprise her, buy flowers or a gift or do something that will make her want to ‘reward you’ as opposed to asking her in a hoarse voice, ‘honey are you in the mood today?’ I have yet to come across any woman who ever said ‘yes’ to such a lame question.

Understand her sexuality:

This is the greatest gift you can give to her. Identify her peak days as well as her lowest.

When she is at her peak take a shot even if you know she will not oblige and when she emphatically refuses say ‘its okay honey, I understand’ – even if you honestly don’t.

This works wonders but she will have played right into your hands. You may even get lucky sometimes as a way of being rewarded for understanding ‘her needs’. Actually, by so doing you stand out among all the men she has dated who were only concerned about getting to the honey pot.


For the social and economic well being of this nation and for your own safety and comfort, never ask your wife to approve of you marrying another woman.



On the next issue:

I don’t know what to make of this; I have been married for seven years and have two children. Two weeks ago, I woke up to find a one-month old baby at my doorstep. She was well wrapped in baby shawls and from the location of our house on 2nd floor, she was deliberately put there. We have been in shock since then despite the fact that we agreed to take the baby in until we find a good solution for her. We reported the matter to the police and they advised us to stay with the child as they try and locate the mother. My problem however is that I don’t understand how and why someone would come to my house early in the morning and place a baby on my doorstep. Now I doubt my husband and I suspect that he knows what is going on here but I can’t bring myself to ask him since he is also in shock. I don’t know what to do now since I can’t abandon the child that could belong to my husband. What should I do? }Stella}