The ‘Dutch erection’ at Wa-Hannah's eatery

Some foods are incompatible with onywaji: Pilau Njeri. Chapos. Ripe bananas kwanza zile short chassis.

Poison works well with ‘gabion’-like stuff for stomach defence. Just why there are butcheries next to pubs where God-fearing Kenyans go ruin the liver despite shortage of hepatologists.

It is at the butchery where a tax-payer aspiring to deplete hard earned dough, pompously orders for kilo ya mbavu choma, dry fry, wet fry, pan fry or tumbukiza which is popular with members of a ‘certain community’ that fears ‘mikora ya nyama.’

Tumbukiza is boiled whole. Zero chance for Waka-Knife to short-change them.

Too much onywaji spurs kuharisha sessions and those who swear by tumbukiza incorporate a lot of rabbit food in the name of ‘kafeshi’ (veges) that is rumoured to ease the protrusion of veins around the temples during the ‘long drop.’

The other onywaji compatible food include mukimo (green) and ugali, that ‘tasteless lump of paste.’ While samosa, sausages and mshikaki are welcome, no sot worth his hops, malt and barley should touch snacks like cake or biscuits.

And so it was with sobering disbelief that regulars at Wa-Hannah’s feasted on endless helpings of very starchy biscuits Papa English had left to no one in particular since Sister Lucy, his ka-woman from Muchatha, was nursing ‘ma-ba-blas!’ after a night of chewing alele.

Only Nyambu and Miss Penny didn’t eat them arguing “kula vitu za mzungu bila ruhusa anaweza fanya ufungwe hata mkojo!”

Owish ‘Jakom,’ Waka-Knife, Diameter, the political analyst, Kot-Kot and Kang’ethe the old metal, all indulged, with devilish relish, at what Owish, with judicial airs, called ‘bitings’ which shortly caused a medical crisis that saw Nyambu frantically calling for an ambulance.

The victims, who left raia in stitches and mouthing for days, were rushed to the Kenyatta National Hospital.

Papa English, Miss Penny, Sister Lucy and Nyambu visited the convalescing with bottles of Ribena and Lucozade. Kang’ethe mourned that a litre of ‘Rotich’ brandy would have made for better drip than “kuwekwa maji ambayo si mineral,” pronounced ‘minero.’

Papa English explained that the ‘victims’ had consumed horse biscuits meant to ‘shtua’ equestrian libido.

A barubaru stallion takes only one with enough horse-power to make it gallop to the nearest brothel, hence the bout of ‘Dutch erection’ at Wa-Hannah’s.