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We need exclusive men-only clubs

NaiNotepad

Beer drinking

Two important elections were held in Scotland recently. Both elections sought to break two traditions aged 260 and 307 years respectively. The first involved male members of The Royal and Ancient Golf Club (R&A) who voted to admit women into their prestigious society. The other was a referendum on whether Scotland should secede or stick with the United Kingdom.

The Scots elected to remain in the UK. And 85 per cent of the 2,400 men in the R&A voted in favour of admitting women into their club, effectively ending a 260-year-old exclusion.

But that’s not surprising; after all, the golfing types are not real men. Golf is the most useless sport ever invented. Jack Ryan, a protagonist in many of Tom Clancy’s books popularly dismissed the game, saying that they called it ‘golf’ because ‘sh*t’ was taken!

What do women exactly want from men? I have never heard of a man, who wanted to join a female chama, or any women’s club, save for the occasional male stripper, who in any case always makes an appearance by invitation.

I have bled my fingers in this space complaining about how women have desecrated the bar. Now, they occupy the balconies and counters as men are relegated to tables on the floor of pubs, as if in the event of an invasion, the women would rise to the occasion and defend the honour of men cowering within the confines of bars.

Over time, idle feminists have championed a lot of non-issues. They have made us change ‘gender-insensitive’ nouns such as chairman, watchman and policeman to the more pointless ‘gender-neutral’ denotations like chairperson, security guard and the police.

We thought that was enough, but they came for more. They even picked bones with ‘manholes’? So what did they want? Womanhole!? Really? Can you believe that in the late 1970s, some woman even claimed that history was sexist and wanted their own version of herstory?

Women want everything. Look at the number of days in a calendar year dedicated to one female cause or another. Of course some like the breast cancer awareness month of October are justifiable, but what would drive women to mark Cleavage Day in South Africa? This makes my blood boil.

Look at the inconvenience hawkers put us through as women shop for shoes and jackets along Kenyatta Avenue at night. Look at the shoe-selling shops that have popped up everywhere in Nairobi, we are now forced to endure the public address noise meant to draw women, just so that they can buy their 1,729th pair of shoes! And when you get married, she takes over the house. It is hers.

She will grab every space - from the bedroom, to the kitchen to the bathroom. In local football, you have probably come across Gor Mahia or AFC Leopards wild female fans, a clear testament that the days of marriage are numbered. They were all over the World Cup arena as well, baring it all and flaunting their cleavage or thighs at the cameras in their misguided cheering ways, and in the process, ending up distracting the very players they are supposed to be inspiring to victory.

In short, women have refused to let men be. Every conceivable getaway men invent to escape their tyrannical, if not suffocating grasp, is countered with their unwelcome barging with unwanted opinion.

You have also probably seen women who pick up bar fights with their men, and for what? Ogling! Yes, just harmless ogling. Whereas a few men - the sissies, metrosexuals, gays, transsexuals and male dancers - do indeed intrude on the lifestyle of women, straight men largely give the world of women a wide berth.

This is why I’m particularly disappointed by the R&A decision. Men will now be forced to seek other places where they can go to be boys. It is a sad era for men, one in which previous men-only sanctuaries are becoming overwhelmed by the cleats of high heels and mushrooming of ‘powder rooms.’

This madness has driven me to come up with a strictly male ‘Put Things As They Are Supposed To Be’ society. Who knows, it could probably be the only men-only club left standing in the world.  I already have eight, extremely intelligent and witty members. We meet and enjoy our drinks as we enquire into what drives Kenya and the world mad. No women will ever be admitted.

@nyanchwani

[email protected]

 

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