It is that time of the year again when teenagers make a big step in their academic progression. Many have received their admission letters to various colleges and universities around the country and are very excited on what to expect when they report to start their stay. There are those who have already reported and are getting swirled in the confusion of being a shagzmoddoz fresher in the midst of comrades from diverse backgrounds. In campus there are many types of people and here are the most common ones you will not finish your orientation before you encounter.
1. Aoko, the village girl who reports with a metallic box full of vitenges and tailor made skirt and blouse suits. She has Obama braids or a shiny weave on top of her avocado shaped head. This type of girl has the latest brand of China phone and she proudly displays its fake brand name of either 'Nokla' or 'Samsvng' thinking it is either a Nokia or a Samsung brand. Aoko speaks in heavily accented English and Kiswahili and listens to loud gospel or ragga music from her Nokla handset without an earphone. Try shaking her mafuta ya ng'ombe conditioned hands and she will pull them away as fast as possible thinking that you are the guy her mother warned her about to be wary of in campo.
2. Audrey, the city diva Not very bright in academic work, but very bright on the face thanks to cheap and harmful bleaching lotions from Uganda. This girl looks at herself in the mirror and the image that reflects back is Vera Sidika's. Audrey does not have an African name and instead uses a funny second name that makes one think of her as a racing horse in Ngong. She speaks in Eastlando English and once in a while will explain a point in Ongwaro sheng'. She has a touch screen phone and thinks that she was made for chatting and chatting was made for her. Most of the times she will be in stunners looking and smiling at her phone with a white earphone ever hanging on her ears like a life support machine. She ends up getting laid by the campos baddest boys who dump her as fast as saying 'Hit and run'. She is the type that depends on sponsors to fund her newly acquired lifestyle.
3. Denno, the 'hit and runner' this guy is a smooth operator. He is the apple of the ladies' hearts. He knows the right buttons to press and you will be following him to his hostel room. The late Mighty King Kong composed the hit song 'Ladies Choice' with him in mind. Denno does not chase ladies around campus. It is the ladies who chase him around. He plans how he will run away from you before he even makes the first approach. This is the guy other boys would wish to be, but deep down in his being he is a heartless person. After sharing a moment of passion with a lady, he will do or say anything to keep her as far away as possible from him.
4. Choge, the drunkard: the very silent type of comrade. He is not into girls. He is not into the English Premier League. He is always thinking about some cheap plastic bottled alcohol. A jug of some light, watery beer will do him just as well. Apart from always reeking of ethanol, this guy's only pair of shoes smells like Nairobi River while his shirts have a permanent brown map of Zimbabwe on the armpits. When broke you will see him trying to gain some focus with a big bolus of miraa or mugoka in his cheeks with wide eyes gazing at nothing in particular. What amazes everyone is that Choge is among the sharpest in class and ladies love him because of his brains.
5. Schola, the harlot; this one started giving a share of her valley of life on reporting day. She also drinks like a fish. Over half of the boys who have slept with her had bought her some alcohol before bedding her. To Schola, anything with a beard is a source of pleasure. She knows the well-endowed bulls and the less than 'one-minute men' in campo. Her dressing is ever revealing and she does not give a damn what people say behind her back. The 'bodaboda' operators at the gate like her because she pays in kind instead of paying in cash. Any guy who turns her down risks being labelled a 'non-performer'. She is not very clever, but she has never done a ‘re-sit' for an exam after using all her resources to find that missing mark.
6. Brayo, the noisemaker. Noise. Noise. And more noise. He is the campo's empty debe. In the playing fields, along the hostel corridors and in the college bus, you must always hear his voice as if it is the university's signature tune. Hearing his voice in the lecture hall is like expecting to hear the roar of a polar bear in the middle of the Kalahari Desert. Brayo is always empty headed and most reasonable and sensible chics do not fall for his wooing antics. He is the type that hangs around Schola, the harlot. Audrey, the city diva, avoids her like the plague since his creaky voice is the complete opposite of the smooth Ne-Yo songs she listens to on her cheap tablet.
7. Zawadi, wa Arsenal The most irritating comrade. With the current betting euphoria, Zawadi analyses the jackpot matches more than Robert Marawa of Supersport. He has however never even won the consolation bonuses of the jackpot bets he has been draining his pocket money on. This boy knows all the footballers from the different leagues in the world and their histories. Zawadi knows and can predict the tactics a manager will use in an upcoming match, but he does not even know how to kick a ball. In fact, he has knocked knees. He will celebrate for the whole week by donning a fading 2004 Thierry Henry jersey when his team draws against Leicester City FC, but will wine for days on end when 'Team ya Baba' losses to Oldham Athletic in the FA Cup.
8. Opips, the CEO's son Opips hostel resembles a five star hotel room. His attire rivals Chris Brown's wardrobe. His tablet's cost can pay for a couple of his classmates' accommodation fee for the whole year. Opips is like a watermelon in campus. Today he will be hanging out with the noisemaker then switch to the church girl the following day. He likes the city diva as well as the village girl. He never spends the weekend in campus, and his photos in social media ooze class and opulence.
9.Kanini, the virgin angel of God; Kanini leads a double life. At home she is the devil's advocate who does not have the word 'morality' in her vocabulary. In campo, Kanini can pray for the blind and make them see the golden gates of heaven wide open. She quotes the Bible in her speech more than Kethi Kilonzo quoted the constitution during the 2013 election petition hearing. Kanini attends morning glory, lunch hour prayers and evening revival in a long cotton skirt that sweeps the holy grounds she sets her feet upon. She was even appointed the Christian Union's godmother to the newly born again souls. She listens to Christina Shusho and Don Moen songs only on her HELB funded sub-woofer. Snatch her earphones from her and you will hear 'Kamatia Chini' spoiling her eardrums. She has a deep secret in her heart that only Denno, the hit and runner, can reveal if he decides to.
10. Sam, the choppie Sam scored an A in KCSE. His father sold several cockerels to raise the funds needed for his admission. The only person to ever go to university in his village in Vihiga is now a hotel manager in Nairobi. Sam has therefore decided to emulate his village mate in order to become a respected person back at home. His best friend is Aoko, the village girl, who offers some toe wriggling benefits. He is very unfortunate that his roommate is Brayo, the noisemaker. Sam almost caused a scratchy mess when Audrey, the city diva, and Schola, the harlot, met in his room to borrow his note book for photocopying before the exam period. His deskmate is Choge, the drunkard, while Opips has him on his payroll as an assignment partner. Sam once bumped on Denno, the hit and runner, and Kanini, the virgin angel, in a questionable position while he was escaping from the noisy hostels to go and chew some chapters in the classroom. He loathes Zawadi who blubbers unreasonable examples during the Statistics lessons, like the probability of AFC Leopards winning the Kenya Premier League is like that of a chick laying eggs and hatching fully grown cockerels for supper in a span of one day.
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