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Like many other Pulsers, I watched that cringe-worthy interview of Prezzo with Betty Kyalo-Okari on KTN on Fridae with a mixture of horror n amoosement. I was like, “seriously, dude?’
But I like Ngechu, we go way back, so a few tipples, uhm, tips for when chu go on tee-vee, kwanza when it is live Live. One – doncha go on TV smashed. I remember once in mid-twenty-fourteen going straight from a funkie whose after-bash extended till dawn and onto anutha tee-vee steshen where I waz being interviewed by this Amerucan chicka and a mkali guy.
I coont even make out the cues or tele-prompters, n got ‘hayte mail’ like whoa!
Thaz why siku hizi when I surface on our own stesheni with wakina Mike Gitonga n Co, imam ever as sober as judge Jackton Boma, even as we crack jokes ati nimetoka lojo. If high, Prezzo, better not go!
Number two – most female tv anchors in Kenya are hawt, in one way or the other. So doncha go just hugging ‘em ovyo ovyo like the sacco sub-branch chairman of #TeamHyena, n eyeing em on air like a delicious morsel. ( Gwanza if theya married n their hubbies happen to be omogusii, o yooo oooo o)!
Three – pliz remember it is dry ‘NJaanuary.’ No Kinyan will like you for goan to show off your ‘gold’ sneakers on tee-wee (it is 2016, who still vaaz shiny sneakers?) much less tell them ‘so watt if I am showing off family monie? It is too bad for you if yur fammo didn’t ‘make’ it!’
Four, that thing of saying you are the ‘president’ of the youth just coz, everywhere you go, ‘ma-yut wanapiga saluti kwa streets.’ Pliz nigga. Even me, a C-list ‘celeb’ gets greetings on the streets all the time, yet I ain’t even the chief of a cattle dip in my native Omoringamu. Lez not get carried away here.
Five – when aksed where you got yur muse/inspirashon for a song like ‘Mrembo,’ just talk about yur art n doncha go off on a rant about yur ex wife, n how she usedta nag ya from the minute you walked in at night n refused to unnerstand yur hustle, n all. Yu yadda yadda like dat, n peeps start saying, ‘no wonder dat Daisy dumped his a**.’ Exes are history, like last year’s gazxetis – forget ‘em!
Sixth, watt is being a ‘corporate thug,’ pray? Ok, I have read about corporate raiders like Carl Icahn n Ivan Boesky, n know Kenya has corporate thieves (like why Uchoomi n KQ have been in deep s***) na pia kuna ma-hustler. But ‘corporate thugs’? Weed, n too much Jay Z, ain’t a good combo, bro.
Seventh – I know one Willy Mutunga once sed he has two ancestors. Dat don’t mean one can go creating dual divinities, eti ‘Mungu na mama’ (ole lady sed she was erambassed watching that). Also, if yur a celeb, it is important not to steel be hiding behind n living off one’s momma beyond a certain age.
Eighth, we all have ‘hayters,’ that is, niggaz who do not have our best interests at heart (imam not one of yurs, bruv, hence these mawaidha). Don’t show like yur jealous of Jaguar, wazi wazi on tee-vee, like you donno him. Comes off really weird. (While we are at it, if I were you, I’d take advantage of that free offer he extended for Nacada re-hab, asap).
Ninth – waz with the ‘gangsta’ shizzle, (n if I read ed Stevoski on Monday korrektly, yu still pulled a gun on our security guys at our Msa road offiz)? Dude!!! Do yerself a favour, lose the ‘gangsta’ fantasy.
In Kenya, real gangstas end up getting gunned down by the ‘mboyz in mblu’ (ain’t nuttin glama-puss about dat) or else in Kamiti with sore bottoms, as they send SMSes to suckers tellin’ em they have won Safcom haos in Athi River.
Lastly, if yur gonna be ‘short sighted’ on tee-vee, let it be coz yuv really been doing dat doctorate in ‘herbology’ (watt BS that was!) n not coz you either high and/or dazed from wearing shades for a decade straight.
