‘My marriage is in trouble but my husband is refusing to help’

Dear Coleen

I have been married for 12 years and I’ve struggled with depression and weight issues for most of my adult life.

My husband knew all this before he married me but now, after having one stillbirth several years ago and a disabled child two years later, my husband barely speaks to me, preferring to drink or play games on his mobile phone.

We have sex about six times a year at the most and I have to beg him to do it. He’s lost all interest in me, our home life and our child.

He won’t talk to me properly – all he ever does is shout and pick fault with my housekeeping, cooking, appearance, anything really.

I’m so upset I feel like having an affair or running away. I’ve told him this and he just says “Who would want you?”

I am actually quite pretty, even though I know I am overweight.

I’ve asked him to go to counselling with me to try to work things out but he won’t even consider it.

I’m at my wits’ end. What can I do?

Coleen says

Unfortunately, you can’t force someone to go to counselling if they don’t want to.

He doesn’t think you have it in you to leave, but he’s making sure of that by putting you down all the time, so you don’t actually have the confidence to do it.

Look, there’s no reason why you can’t have counselling to help you to get to that point – that’s what I did.

I couldn’t make the decision myself to leave my first husband – I needed someone to help put things into perspective so I could get my head around the situation.

So if your instinct is to leave, but you don’t feel you can at the moment, then maybe counselling will help.

You’ve both been through an awful lot – grieving for your stillborn baby and coping with a disabled child.

It’s a shame your husband won’t consider counselling because he’s probably really hurting inside too, and deals with it by drinking and gaming.

Maybe if he sees counselling has been a benefit to you, he’ll change

his attitude.

When it comes to losing weight, you can solve this when you’re emotionally ready.

It could be the first step in taking back control, but do it to build up your self-esteem, not just for your husband.