Gory Man United, Glory to Chelsea (Inside Game Yetu Newspaper)

Chelsea's Diego Costa (R) celebrates his goal against Burnley during their English Premier League soccer match at Turf Moor in Burnley, northern England August 18, 2014. REUTERS/Andrew Yate

The ‘hardest’ league in the world, the English Premier League, opened last weekend with the Man United versus Swansea game.
And Man U fans were over the moon before the game, because they have a new coach on the pitch, their deadly twelfth player.
Even the Swansea manager said the atmosphere in the red half of Manchester was intimidating.
The name Van Gal was on every manic Man U’s lips, like the man is some kind of Dutch magic, a cure to last season’s deadly Ebola there (a baller called David Moyes).
The Saviour!
Then the game began, and by the end of it, Swansea had taken all three points, leaving van Gal with rotten egg drip on his broad face and Man U fans sulking and skulking like stinky city sewer skunks.
So much for van Gal! He set another Moyes-style record. ‘First home loss in an opening season game since 1972.’ I mean, most Man fans had not been born then. Man Useless is a team full of useless girls, and Rooney. They are full of bollox and baloney, and van Gal.
The Swansea manager summed them thus: ‘this is a team that will finish in the mid-table ...’ It happened to Liverpool for years, so who do you think you are, Man Girls?
Arsenal, in spite of new signings like Debussy na sijui nani, just managed to survive their late Saturday game against Crystal Palace.
Okay, let’s give credit where it is due.
At least this season Arsene Wenger, to the shock of many a Goon (Gunner Fan), actually splashed some serious money on some serious players.
Instead of buying them on credit then immediately loaning them out, selling his very best player, or going to scrounge in the dustbins of Eastern Europe like the chokora coach he was, to see if he can find something valuable amidst all the smelly rubbish.
Still, a near last gasp goal by Ramsey is what it took for the Gunners to snatch victory from the cold jaw of a draw. And from the roar of relief from Goons in the pub I was at, they know their usual number four spot is all they have got, unless ...
Unless of course they can finish third!
At the expense of a team like Liverpool, who scared some folks last season into thinking they were going to win the EPL trophy.
This was thanks mostly to the psychotic cannibal that they sold to Barcelona for money that could buy a man a mansion in Heaven, Luiz Suarez.
How would Liverpool fare in his absence? For their opening game of the season, not too badly as it turned out, with both Sterling & Sturridge (they sound like a financial firm) scoring.
Late Sunday, last season’s winners Man City were in action at St James’s park against Newcastle.
The problem with Newcastle is in spite of a liking for Senegalese or the like, long, scary-looking, deep black strikers ( Cisse, Sissoko, Demba Ba), it is like they cannot complete most of their raids.
It is seldom one hears ‘goal’ from their forward forays. Which is why Man City, a team of natural predators (also riding on greed and the oil grid) found it easy to punish them.
When they come and collide with Chelsea FC, though, Man City will find a very different and daunting prospect. The Russian Roman A reinforced us with some of the deadliest players in Europe, and Monday night, it showed.
Starting from the goalie, it is near impossible to rest Petr Cech but in our return from loan TC, we have a great pair of gloves, and no love to give to other teams.
Diego Costa scored the opener of our season, and there is a flood where that water came from.
I still cannot remember why Wenger sold Cesc Fabregas to Barcelona. But now the Spaniard is with us in Chelsea and any Goon, any non-Blue fan, who watched that killer pass he gave Schurle for our second goal must have felt a stab of fear in the heart. Hell, I bet some have just recovered from nervous induced diarrhea spasms.
Super Frank Lampard ‘Lamps’ may be gone, but Oscar is a talented lantern and Eden Hazard, our new number ten, continues to burn the grass in opposition defences.
Even Ivanovic got into the act to remind folks he is still deadly at set pieces. As for club darling Drogba, I’m just waiting for the appropriate Saturday to sing ‘Baba’s’ praises – and it will come.
“The Opponents,” said Jose, “they are strong ... but we are stronger.” In case you think that’s Portuguese, what it simply means is this – come May, 2015, John Terry will be lifting the EPL trophy at Stamford Bridge.