Ten crucified celebs for 2015

April fools got fools fooled, and Easter is here, and we are all praying 4 our olde pal Big Kev of Tru-Blaq to get back all his brawn after his brain op in India coz big dude is such a neat chap and a true O.G. (Original Godfather).

Man, you know a Godfather by his following and you should have seen how celebs trooped at his place for his surprise White-Party; wakina Nameless, Wahu, Amani, Big Ted, Maurice Okoth, Jaguar, Leakey Odera, Sir Henry, Habidah and a host of ‘them’ all with the Pulse crew led by Ed’ Stevoski and Real Solo on witness.

And, three months and three days into 2015, here are ten celebs who got smote on da cross.

Ogopa

It may be dead and gone, but will resurrect in three months (or three years) but its celebs are still alive and well, and causing all sorts of air (and hair) waves.

1) Avril

She decided to open the New Year with a self-crucifying selfie, complit with acne and what looked like a uni-brow. Now, while Angelina Jolie may get away with fallopian en breast chop-jobs, miros still prefer their celebz as fake en false idols. So while we all know Avril is awright (waz her neighbour in Balozi 4 like four years n often ran into her @ the green grocer’s asubuhis looking none-the-worse-for-wear), gal, to avoid twitter twits tearing you down, don’t post selfies while on easter bunny hangies.

2) Colonel Mustafa

That Valentine Day stunt of taking your chiquitta out 4 kachumbari in a kibanda waz very down-to-earth and cute but lost u a lot of female fans for looking ‘tucky’. If you glitch the pan! Eff dat. Save such chipero stunts for April Fool’s Day, not Valz. O/wise the only rubs yul be getting will b from the kitchen lady’s in dem food denz.

3) Kenzo

Twas amusing as hell hearing from pulse Ed’ Stevoski abt Kenzo, he of the everlasting darkness sun-glasses, getting so nervous on a Jambojet flight 2 coasto dude was biting the seat next to him. Next time, beba tomato sauce. Leather chairs taste so much better with ketch-up!

4) Gloria Muliro

If ever a woman has lived thru a crucifixion of a marriage, it is gospel yodeler, Gloria Muliro. But she should have known she was ingia-ing Gethsemane on her honeymoon nite when her hubby, instead of being in his suruaris n raruaing a CD, heh heh, waz busy opening the weddo envelopes stuffed with cash. Or was it a case for a bro-of the dough before the non-hoe?

5) Rose Muhando

Ok, lemmi confess whilst we are on the cross, me to the left, you to the right and Rose Muhando in the middle. I have always found this TZed lady a lil genius- n chizz! But bleaching? Hizo wachia MJ, ambaye alikufa ha hakufufuka kama Jesu na huyu Vera Sidika product ya Pulse.

6) Vera Sidika

Away from the Gospelites, we cannot get away from the socialites in the first qtr of 2015. Vera, who super-trended in 2014, is still trying to stay ahead of her own curves, pun up, and avoid becoming a ‘B’ list socialite-with bleaching, boob jobs and now claims of Sh1m beds. Isn’t she a genius of sorts really?

7) AK 47

Twas Yesus himself who said “he who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword”. And when you are a UG musician and not an MT solja called ‘AK 47’, tis sad but.. No surprise wen ur found murdered in a club bathroom. Only wonder is –dude wasn’t shot.

8) Gilgil Keter, aka, Muheshimiwa Matapaka

This yutful MP singlehandedly put Gilgil back on the map, ‘weigh-bridge’ in our lexicon and ‘matapakas’ on our minds in an expletive rage-fuelled word blast. Keter went HAM! And I’m asking our sub ed, Pete Ndoch, to ask him to be writing ‘Rants n Raves’ for Pulse.

9) Laura Woiye

She decided to have very many ‘last suppers’ @ the Hotel Inter-Continental, and soon found herself in court crucified over a Sh250 thao bill. Luckily for the so- called socialite, Ogidi Giddy n Carol Mutoko decided to beba her bill msalaba-n lower her 4rm da +.

10) Zhao Yahg of Chong Qing restaurant (ex) in Kilimani

This M-chinku hotelier is also in court for her Chinese apartheid n pirate attitude with Kanjo licences. Apart from her “No Afrikans after 5 pm” policy, we hear she also had a seemed warning sign: “Also no dogs allowed, unless they come in the menu”.