Guide for political press conferences

By Peter Wanyonyi

Political press events are coming thick and fast. Our lecherous band of politicians have just one or two weeks within which to confirm who they will be in bed with politically — and in some cases literally — for the next election.

This means we get to experience that staple of Kenyan political grandstanding, the politicians’ press conference. We’ve never had it so utterly abysmal.

A politician’s press conference is a thing of wonder and mystery. The politician leans forward, breathing so heavily thjat the microphone could be blown away. The politician’s tongue — forked of course — darts back and forth, sampling the air for the slightest scent of an undecided voter or crooked financial deal to clinch. Before your very eyes, the politician actually changes colour.

But not every politician is as at home telling brazen lies in public as our most seasoned ones. For the neophytes, here is a practical guide to surviving this period and laying on press conferences that leave the voter enraptured. Here you go, rookie.

First, location: Press conferences must always be held within the sacred precincts of Parliament. Anything said or done within the grounds of the August house enjoys immunity from prosecution and a good political press conference contains so much incendiary material that Parliament is the only place safe enough.

From a little hate speech to blood-curdling war cries against rival tribes, political press conferences are designed to intimidate and scare. It helps if one or two beefy aides in dark glasses and ill-fitting suits are in attendance, scowling at the frightened audience of assorted reporters and itinerant adrenaline junkies. Beating up one or two of these wretched souls guarantees front-page coverage. Politicians desperate for coverage are advised to slap a parliamentary employee or two, in full view of the press corps. All publicity is good publicity.

And then there is the intensity of the threats. All political press conferences are for delivering threats of one form or other. It could be a threat to support a secessionist group or to withdraw your tribe’s support from some pesky coalition grouping or to run for election in some troublesome spot.

If you are broke, the intensity of your threats should be proportionately hysterical: tough war cries are important when in dire financial straits. They help convince the paymasters that you are a deserving case for full subsidies come the election.

Finally, body language is everything at a political press conference. A loud, careless laugh is a priceless asset. It helps flesh out the empty nonsense that a politician is spewing forth.

Coupled with a suit bought with borrowed money — complete with cufflinks — a boisterous laugh helps convey the impression that the politician is comfortable in his surroundings, confident of re-election and financially secure.

Obviously, the truth is far from this, but which politician lets a little truth get in between themselves and a good press conference?

And so, location, content and body language thus secured, all the politician now needs to do is bribe — or threaten — the attendant journalists to put a nice spin on the press conference. Simple as that.