The bigger the country, the smaller the man

Every man’s dream is to be ‘big’ where it matters, but FERDINAND MWONGELA warns big could be the reason countries, and its men are dirt poorApparently, a tycoon is filthy rich because he is tiny where it matters while his watchman is poor because he is well endowed. So suggests Mr Tatu Westling of the University of Helsinki in a research report titled, Male Organ and Economic Growth: Does Size Matter? His views, which are likely to leave Kenyan men — at least the rich ones — bristling with fury, says a country’s GDP (Gross Domestic Product) is inversely proportional to the average national size of the male organ. So gentlemen, do not believe the cock and bull stories from ‘fiscal policy experts’ explaining why Kenya’s economy is not growing as much as it was a few years ago. The answer is not in inflation, or Al Shabaab taking a few pot shots at tourists and all that mumbo jumbo. It is in your pants — or shuka, depending on your fashion preference. As the good man from Helsinki points out, "A unit centimetre increase in its (male organ) physical dimension was found to reduce GDP growth by five to seven per cent between 1960 and 1985. Quite remarkable is the &#64257;nding that the male organ alone can explain 20 per cent of the between-country variation in GDP growth rates in the period."Copy pasting this model, lets come home. We can conclude that in the early 90s, Kenyan men were on a roll — in the sack that is, as the economy shrivelled and withered. This report would have us believe it was party time in bedrooms. Jogoo! Kanu juu!But after Kibaki came to power, the economy shot up and our women must have wept in bitterness. But thank God for small mercies because we were quickly back to our element as the economy nosedived in 2008. Annoyingly, the economy is inching up and our men are shrinking, or so it would appear.Mzee Jomo Kenyatta was no good to men, either. In his time, the country’s economy grew at an average of 6.6 per cent between 1963 and 1973. So we most likely handed over our manhoods to the British and tearfully sang goodbye as Malcolm MacDonald, the last colonial governor, crawled onto a flight back to the seat of the empire. He left with his tail between his legs and ours in his pocket. If this research had focused on Kenya in that period, our men would have been a ridiculed lot because it would appear the Mau Mau, for all their valour, took us for a ride and left our ‘uhuru’ gathering frostbite in the chilly glades of the Aberdare Forest. Later, the economy slowed down. In the 1980s and early 1990s, our brothers were laughing all the way to maternity waiting rooms. Don’t you recall leaders screaming ‘pangeni uzazi’ (plan your families) in our faces at every public baraza?To be fair, however, according to this research, "The physical dimension of the male organ varies considerably across countries, the average being 14.5 centimetres. For example, South Korea and Zaire [now Democratic Republic of the Congo] have average sizes of 9.66 and 17.93 centimetres, respectively." Yes, now you know why South Koreans are wallowing in riches while married Kenyan women pay rent for broke Congolese musicians. The argument here is that countries with average-sized male organs tend to be developed, while those at the extremes of the penile length spectrum are relatively poor.Average length"It is noteworthy that the male organ can alone explain over 15 per cent of the variation in GDPs. The inverted U-shaped relationship also shows how the GDPs collapse when the average penile length exceeds 16 centimetres. Most of these countries are found in Africa and Latin America. However, at the lower-end, a similar pattern is found; the majority of countries with male organs smaller than 12 centimetres are relatively poor. These are often Asian countries," the report says. What this means is that North Koreans are even smaller than their South Korean cousins. Ouch!So it appears staying in the middle, although a hopeless strategy for career growth, is the best thing in economic terms because countries with average sizes, like the US and those in Europe, are said to be better off. Could this be the reason why many Kenyan women are dying to tie the knot with a European or American man?I bet neo-colonialist theorists would probably argue that this is just another report by some two-bit do-gooder in some Western country trying to understand the psychology of the people at the bottom of the barrel. Ego tripsIt is not all bad, however, as the notion of self-esteem is tied to this as well, with Westling suggesting that "…well endowed men possess a feeling of greater sexual competence." Unfortunately, it appears, this sends them on a massive ego trip and they spend their lives strutting at the gym, in discos and village dances, ‘killing’ women — instead of toiling to generate wealth. Simply put, by being an African man, you are doomed because stamping your feet in fury, neck held high in pride, could mean you have got self-confidence in the dozens, and nothing much else.That, perhaps, could explain why penniless beach boys, male DJs and hairdressers are the most sought after men in this country. It could also explain why rich wives nearly always fall into the hands of the gardener, the driver, shop attendant, gym instructor, matatu tout, struggling musician or security guard — all armed to the teeth but broker than a punctured politician. It doesn’t, however, explain why relatively affluent men are always impregnating house girls.To massacre Shakespeare with a mishmash of Romeo and Juliet’s lines; "Tis thy size that is my enemy… I know not how to tell thee who I am. My size, dear saint, is hateful to myself, because it is an enemy to thee." So do you want your personal economy to improve? Then lay off all enhancement portions, herbs, supplements and toys. Much as it will boost your ego, it will plummet your fortunes way below North Korea’s GDP. But if you look into the mirror and dislike what you see, relax. You are rich. As for women, you are either stuck with the broke, exciting fellow or the rich, dull tycoon. You can’t have it both ways, darlings.The author of this report, however, urges caution in your interpretation of these findings. You are, therefore, advised to take it with a pinch of salt. Personally, I’ll take the whole 500 grams packet, imported too, thank you — if it wasn’t so expensive.But look, I am as patriotic as the next chap you see walking down the street wondering if the thingamajig the guy ahead of him is holding is a live grenade or a key holder. Unfortunately, patriotism aside, a man who cannot hold his own where it matters is dead meat, and going by the talks in funny blogs online, you’ve got to have size brother. So, away with the economy. Hand me the size enhancer thingy I saw on some classified ad pasted on an electricity pole in Kilimani.

The bigger the country, the smaller the man

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