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Mistrustful spouse

By | December 29th 2012

I’m in my mid 20s and have been in a relationship with a woman for two years. We have a daughter aged seven months. I recently travelled to the Coast for business where my ex-girlfriend lives and I have not known peace since then. Now my wife is accusing me of everything including having a sexual affair with my ex, which is not true. She has gone to the extent of saying that I do not want to support our child among many other things. Whenever my phone is out of charge, she says I’m with other women when in reality, I’m doing business with other men. I feel this is too much stress for I’m only in my 20s, and I want to end the relationship even though I still want to support my child. Please advise me on how I can go about this.


Your take

Be open and transparent to the mother of your daughter and get her to trust you. Maybe she is worried because you have not yet planned a wedding for her. Your commitment, respect and love will prove that she is the only woman in your life. Do all you can to show her that you love her and know that leaving is not an option. This is not the time for hit and run — this is a small and dangerous world.

{Onyango Outha}


Being with a jealous partner is difficult because they can be extremely needy and invasive. Talk to her about her insecurity and assure her that you are and have always been faithful to her. Be open about your trips and phone calls to avoid snooping. Your family is still young and dialogue is the most important tool you have.

{Andrew Chaplin}


A cheat thinks the other is ever cheating and where there’s smoke, there sure will be fire. Has she ever caught you cheating? This could be the reason she is insecure about you. So mend your ways man, and follow your heart.?

{Ouma Ragumo}


You have learnt that your marriage just won’t work because she will never learn to trust you. Try talking her into understanding you, as you talk fear and mistrust out of her. If it does not work, visit the children’s office, know your obligations and meet them, then plan your future thereafter.

{Tasma Charles}

My take

Silah, what you are going through is actually what happens in many relationships, especially in the early stages. Two years is still somewhat early and some essential elements of the relationship are not yet fully developed. These include trust and it could have degenerated when you had to travel to a town where your ex-girlfriend lives.

In her book, Building Effective Relationships, Audrey Stein says that the number one reason why relationships come to an end is not because one spouse cheats, or because one is abusive or overly jealous; rather it is because of the detrimental effect that emotional insecurity has on relationships. Jealousy is quite normal in a relationship — in fact it is healthy to a certain extent, but when this is combined with insecurity it becomes toxic for the relationship. That is what has brought you to the point of considering out of that relationship.

Insecurity and the


Principally, the ex-girlfriend is always a big problem to many women, but this problem is compounded when the ex-girlfriend in question is somehow hotter, cuter, younger, richer, slimmer or lighter in skin colour. Many women, especially in the early stages of relationship, often think that their man will easily fall to the allure and charm of the ex, who in the mind of your woman is doing every possible thing to get you back. This seems totally normal, but I would like to point something out about jumping out of the relationship.


Helping her

Silah, before you jump out of an otherwise good relationship, you may want to consider helping her get over that insecurity. The problem could actually be with you; you may be doing some things that could be fanning the fire of jealousy and insecurity sub-consciously. Or she may have had a bad experience in her past that made her have little trust in men.

If you could try and understand why she is overly insecure, then you can be more patient and help her get over her worries. Identifying the root cause may help both of you in dealing with this issue and putting it to rest. You may agree with me that there are many positive things you appreciate about her. Does it make sense to abandon a car just because the tires keep going flat?




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