When a spouse cheats

It is devastating to discover that your spouse or lover is cheating. It is even harder to figure out how to deal it, writes Anthony kagiri

When you find out that your spouse is cheating, the first thing that comes to mind is despair. The pain of betrayal and loss of trust has sent many to stress, depression and divorce.

Cheating is usually a culmination of days of ‘unworking’ love, whether it was obvious or unknown. Nancy Van Pelt, author of To Have and To Hold, says that when love is not working, a couple has three options: To walk away, stay there and endure the pain; or confront it.

For those dating, leaving is easy since there is less baggage to deal with like children and family relations. For the married, it is never easy to leave; neither does it solve the problem.

“Divorce is an escape mechanism and is thus the most immature of the three options,” writes Pelt.

Some, especially women, choose to endure the pain and live on, probably because of the children. Some will take the precautions of protected sex or no sex at all. However, failing to confront the issue means living an unfulfilled life.

It takes courage to deal with a cheating lover, but for you to have a fulfilled marriage, it must be done. There are enough examples of couples dating or married who confronted cheating and are today living happier lives than before.

It must be clear to your partner from the onset that you are committed to your marriage or relationship and you are ready to fight for it. However, they should know that you are not going to sit there and allow them to go on cheating since you are totally in love.

When it is your man cheating, don’t get into the discussion when emotional. Cheating is a serious issue and needs sobriety and facts. Lay all the facts you have on the table without holding back. Let him know the facts are against him.

Don’t go with the victim attitude or appear to be seeking mercy from him. If your woman is cheating, ensure you are sober and avoid any violent tendencies. When confronted violently, women turn emotional, become the victim and can easily arm twist you.

“It is going to be fruitless trying to get your partner to admit the cheating by posing a question since if they are cheating: Cheaters lie,” says Willie Mintah, author of Marriage God’s Way.

Rather, present the evidence you’ve gathered that proves the cheating such as dates, places, phone calls, SMS, names and the like. Then progress these with questions such as: How did it start? How long has it been going on? How do you feel with him/her? What do you intend to do now that I know this?

This accelerates the matter from being a contest on whether or not they cheated, to why they did and how to deal with it. It helps to present facts.

Take time to talk about the matter and get a joint commitment of turning away from the affair/s.

If the issue recurs or the two of you don’t seem to be getting somewhere, seek the assistance of a third party. It could be a counsellor, a couple the two of you respect, a pastor or a respected family member.

When walking this road, one must remember it is not easy. One will get hurt, desperate, helpless and even feel like giving up, but it helps to gain your strength from within.

After the solo and intermediary efforts, most couples will find an understanding. The cheating partner will come to his senses, apologise and work towards regaining trust.

However, trust doesn’t happen overnight. It takes months, even years. All in all, the critical aspect is the willingness to make progress.

For serial cheaters, the odds of healing the marriage are minimal. So if this is the case, think of the safety of your heart and health and make a decision to stay or move out.

Even though you are a victim, you need to have a proper understanding of what was going wrong in the relationship or marriage before he/she cheated on you.

“Is there anything you did that led him/her away? This is a good question to ask a cheating partner,” advises Gary Neuman, author of The truth about cheating: Why men stray and what you can do about it.

However, this should not be discussed before admission of the wrong and devising a way out of it. Nothing can justify infidelity; we can only work towards making our lovers happier.

Forgiving is easy, forgetting is the hardest task. However hard it is, it is important for a couple to move on after an affair. Neuman cautions that reminding your spouse of their mistakes can convince them they are a failure and could soon send them back to the affair.

However, if you see a repeat of the tendencies you saw with him/her before he/she cheated, don’t let it pass, talk about it.