Are you too busy busy for love?

If you are not at work, you are at a chama, at the bank, in the gym or visiting your Kitengela farm. Watch out because your soulmate will pass right by you, unnoticed, writes ALLAN OLINGO

Recently, US-based singer Kelly Rowland admitted that she was ‘too busy’ for love. The former Destiny’s Child star said she doesn’t have much time to look for love but is happy to settle down if she can find someone who will commit.

She told Vibe magazine: "I don’t have time for love right now. I have got too much going on to go out with anybody now. I have no time for romance."

This term is not limited to celebrities alone as ordinary young women are also claiming to be ‘too busy’ for love.

Pesika Nyanjom, 28, an IT professional, says at the moment, she has no time for a relationship because she has too much on her hands.

Says Pesika: "I have a busy life and I feel that I cannot make any time for a love life. My top priority is my daughter and then my work. Love life can wait."

Pesika says in order to have a love life; she wants a man who will understand and accept that her top priorities are her child and work.

So are women becoming too busy for relationships?

When I threw this question at my friend Kevin, he said: "Yes they are. In the past, approaching a woman was scary enough because of the groupie thing, but now they are all too busy and accomplished, and this makes them unapproachable."

According to Kevin, when a woman says she is too busy, it means that she is not interested in a man.

Kennedy Miduwa, a psychologist, says that as much as this clichÈ is being used, there are women who may not really have time for a relationship, but it is possible most of them use this term to fend off men.

Miduwa adds: "Someone who is interested and attracted to you will go out of their way to make time for you. When someone tells you that they are too busy for love, that is usually a polite way of saying, ‘I’m not interested in you."

Sociologist Dr Agnes Zani says the lack of interest in the person, being preoccupied with work oe even hobbies are some of the reasons that could make someone block-off relationships from their lives and use the ‘I’m busy’ clichÈ.

Dr Zani says this can affect their future socialisation process because once they learn to withdraw and it becomes part and parcel of ordinary life, they don’t even realise that they are blocking off. Indeed being ‘too busy’ can deny you a fabulous life.

"If you are too busy with other aspects of our life, your soul mate may come along and you won’t even notice him or her," says Miduwa.

Bethany Marshall, a marriage and family therapist in her book The Deal Breakers, says single women are always told to stay busy for two reasons.

"It is easier to meet men when you’re out trying new things, and being distracted can also stave off loneliness," she says.

Bethany, however, cautions that if you don’t slow down on your ‘busy’ schedule, you may fail to notice when a man is interested in you, or you might portray that your life is perfect.

So are such women avoiding the potential for intimacy because of the emotional turmoil that it might entail?

Bethany says the desire to remain independent makes some women fear entering into a relationship.

Says Bethany: "Entering into a relationship raises insecurities and painful past emotions and most heartbroken women fear this. They then resort to using this clichÈ to avoid dating."

Miduwa says it is this unconscious fear of rousing old feelings that keeps people busy and away from intimacy in relationships.

So how do you date a busy girl? Here are a few tips:

Is the scenario comfortable?

Sometimes, being busy is just not an excuse. It takes an effort to be more efficient and be able to save some time to do other things. If you are comfortable with this scenario, discuss it and find a workable solution. This will clear all the hindrances and make the dating easier.

Thoughtful actions

When you date a busy woman, you must make your way through the lack of time and stiff schedules. To make her feel special, surprise her by leaving simple notes on her desk or have someone deliver chocolates to her. This will create an impression that you are serious about her, even if she is too busy to manifest her own feelings.

Being thoughtful makes a woman think well of you. She will be reminded of your efforts whenever she sees a simple token of your thoughts.

Use technology

In this era of high-tech advancement, communication has been made even faster and easier, which is a plus for lovers.

So if you are dating such a girl, because you cannot see her physically every day, use email and chat to cement the love. Send her a text message, leave her a romantic message on Facebook or give her a call once in a while to add thrill to your love.

Make each date special

When dating a busy girl, the frequency of dates can be limited. Find ways of making the dates special and memorable. Make sure that the talks deepen with each date to ensure the relationship is going somewhere.

Get occupied

Find ways of having fun and learn new things or get new hobbies so that you can make up for the time she is not available. There are men who tend to do nothing but think about their women all day. If you are a busy girl avoid such a guy because he tends to be clingy.