The ideal Kenyan couple

By Milly GLast week Tony M, probably inspired by the venerable judge Ian, appointed himself spokesman of all Kenyan men and told us what Miss Kenya should look and be like. He put most Kenyan women on probation in the looks department as casually as Ian says “try harder!”, and made it seem alright for the winner of the pageant to compensate for a pea-sized brain with a Double D cup. But then again, beauty pageants are about just that: beauty. And Tony wasn’t dishing out any Miss Congeniality or Miss Popularity consolation prizes. So I thought: What should Mr Kenya look and be like? Smoking hot like Peter Kenneth? Tall and athletic and with a brain to match his height a l‡ Nameless? Successful in his career like Alfred Mutua? Confident yet suave like John Allan Namu? And the winner is...tereee...Barrack Obama. So let’s scrap the damn male beauty pageant because for men, a curly kit, a sturdy set of shoulders and manicured nails won’t cut it alone. It is also about how much respect you command outside the catwalk. And while the missus can get away with hugging lonely children in her reign, Mr Kenya should be the hero on a Save the Planet mission, like perhaps plunging into the Indian Ocean and once and for all drowning the damned Al Shabaab pirates. Or being the superman who finally puts a stop to carjackings and muggings in Nairobi. Male models who strut on the catwalk are good for flashing Kaveke’s suedette pin-striped suits and for flossing in clubs — they are not role models or ambassadors of any sort.Pillars of marriageHow about model couples? If Kenyan couples entered a competition, who would we vote as truly representative of all our aspirations in love and relationships? Is it a pair whose love is as explosive as the Big Bang, who still gaze into each other’s love-struck eyes three children down the road? Yes, if their names are Allejandro and Allexandra and they are starring in some Mexican soap.In premarital counselling they tell you that the pillars of a good marriage are communication, trust, love, respect and all those other things you know are crucial but keep taking for granted. So I will not belabour these.Here’s my take on the model couple: First, the husband shows affection to the wife in public. And I’m not talking about extreme PDAs— just the ability to pull out a seat, open the door and hold her hand when the occasion calls for it. Okay, I’m not suggesting he carries her handbag, for as Tony M solemnly swears, a man who does that is a wimp, but he should be proud to help her carry the baby and not duck into an alley when his subordinate at work meets him with his family. Of course, this presupposes that on Friday night, the man does not get home on Saturday morning only to sleep into the afternoon before catching a game with the boys in the evening, sneeking in on Sunday morning in time to take the family to church and then staring blankly at the pastor.Second, forget the romantic notion about the noble job housewives do, raising the next generation of leaders, instilling family values blah blah blah. Being a housewife sucks! Here’s an evening conversation of a husband who’s a honcho at work and his ‘devoted’ homebody. “Honey, I finally sealed the deal, and got a pay rise,” says the husband.“Oh. I also sealed the crack on the wall so the termites will not get in,” says the wife to a snoring husband. End of conversation.I mean, being a working mother does not make you any less of a mother. It makes you rich in experience, a great role model to your children, and a worthy opponent to your husband when those money fights erupt, as they often will.If you are also contributing to the family kitty, you win his respect. And if you really have to home-school your children, then get a hobby that keeps you interesting.Finally, a model couple tries to stay in shape. It’s good for the image and the sex. Yes, of course, the nyama choma, daily stresses and the wife’s culinary skills are all in collusion with the ever-expanding waist-lines, but it says a lot about a person when he or she can find the discipline to stay trim despite the ravages of age. It is even better when a couple keeps fit, feeds well and practises a healthy lifestyle. That way, instead of ‘growing old together’ at a alarming rate, the couple can defy age together.

The ideal Kenyan couple

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